Smoking weed brings people together, and every participant brings his or her own flair to the session. Here are 10 types of stoners that we’ve all come across in our weedventures:
1. The Elitist
“Your weed sucks”. This is what The Elitist–aka The Weed Snob–will tell you even if you just picked up from Jack Herer himself. Regardless of where you copped your dank nugs, you can be sure he’ll find some way to belittle it. This person won’t be caught dead hitting a plastic bong or even a regular pipe. For The Elitist, it’s Swarovski crystal dab rigs and 24K gold rolling papers washed down with caviar blunts. While The Elitist stoner may have some pretty awesome luxury items, he or she can be also kill the vibe in a heartbeat. Relax man: it’s just weed.
2. The Cool Dad
Don’t worry, you don’t have to hide the weed. Everyone has that one friend whose dad is down for the green and makes it seem like he invented the gravity bong. While he’s still stuck in his own ways (god forbid he take a dab), this dad can be a fun person to smoke a joint with and hear about the old days. Breaking bud with an old head can be very insightful and you might be able to learn a few things about how the world works. But don’t laugh that an older guy with a family still smokes weed…chances are that will be you one day.
3. The Hippy
Break out the congo drums and tie-dye because this guy is ready to blaze. While the hippy movement has long been over, this guy is still holding onto what he believes to be the greatest era and spiritual being. This guy will smoke anything you put in front of him and will probably not being wearing any shoes. Okay, maybe some Chaco’s or Birkenstocks. Either way, be ready to listen to some Phish and Grateful Dead while hearing his unbearable rants about being a vegan and how using shampoo is killing all of the dolphins.
4. The Athlete
Pre-rolls and Pre-workout. This is the high functioning stoner who attributes their athletic prowess to the mighty herb. Before every practice, game, and training session the athlete needs a smoke session to get their mind right. Marijuana can help calm nerves, eliminate unnecessary stress, and boost confidence in some cases. Many action sports stars swear by the ganja and toke up before charging a mountain or wave in order to feel the vibe. While sucking down three blunts before running a marathon is probably a terrible idea, taking the edge off with a nice clean dab or vape sesh can do wonders when it comes to enhancing athletic performance. However, you should definitely be very familiarized with the effects of marijuana on your body before ever introducing it into your athletic activities.
5. The Mooch
Everybody run. This is the by far one of the most common stereotypes and is truly the biggest offense when it comes to smoking weed. Marijuana is meant to be shared and has been used as a peace offering for thousands of years. However, when I smoke you out every day for three months without any reciprocation, there’s going to be a problem. This guy will always hit you up to blaze and will absolutely never turn down a blunt being passed to him. But of course when asked if he has any weed or wants to throw in, he simply states that he only smokes on occasion and doesn’t “need to smoke.” Usually this person is a close friend and it can be tough to cut them off, but it’s only for their own good.
6. The Expert
This is the sommelier of weed. He seemingly has his master’s degree in getting high and is not hesitant to tell you that his weed is the best and has transcended simply smoking a joint. This will be the person laughing that you still smoked “pre-run,” a term used to describe regular weed that has yet to be put through the extraction process. Chances are the expert is the guy taking dabs off of his titanium e-nail and overly priced heady glass. Don’t get it twisted, this guy definitely knows his shit and where to find the good stuff. However, while connoisseurs may appreciate the lesson on “nug run” extractions and fillacello glass pendants, most people will resent someone who is blatantly trying to school you on how to smoke weed.
7. The Noob
Everyone was there at one point. The noob is someone who has no idea what the difference between a sativa and indica is, or how much an eighth costs. While it can be fun to smoke with someone for the first time, it can also be tedious and sketchy if not handled correctly. Just like any cultural ceremony, smoking weed has many nuances and rules of etiquette that a first time smoker will not know. The best way to deal with these people are to be patient, and not assume that they know to only hit the blunt twice and pass it to the left. Don’t forget, you also had no idea how to hit a bong at one point in your life.
8. The Coach
You’re rolling it wrong. You need to use less water in the bong. These are all things that the coach will tell you before starting a sesh. While constructive criticism is appreciated, not everyone needs to know how you like to smoke. The coach is someone who thinks that they have been around the block enough times to feel like they need to drop a little knowledge on the smoke circle. If there is a noob in the group, the coach is a great person to have around as they can take them under their wing and make sure they enjoy themselves. Chances are, this is not the case and the coach will simply be a “backseat smoker” and yell in your ear about how you aren’t inhaling the smoke enough.
9. The Philosopher
To smoke or not to smoke, that is the question. The philosopher is the smoker who gets extremely high and thinks about existence. They ask questions like, “Do dogs and babies have lots of little days inside one 24 hour time period?” and “How would you define a ‘day’ to someone who has no concept of time?” There is an entire subreddit dedicated to Stoner Philosophy and the crazy stuff that people think of while being super high. Asking questions about the meaning of life is always a fun thing to do, but it can also be pretty dumb when everyone around you is just trying to figure out where to get something to eat. Marijuana can help elevate conversations, but don’t forget to think about what you are going to say before saying it. If you think you’re the philosopher stoner, check this out: Cosmos on Weed.
10. The Storyteller
Everyone loves a good story, but there is a time and a place. This smoker is usually the one you have to stop mid-sentence because they have been rambling for five minutes with the joint in their hands. Be conscious of the rotation and don’t hold the joint like a scepter of truth while telling a story about how you almost got this girl’s number at the bar last night.
And many more…
There are numerous other types of smokers like the person who soaks the blunt in their saliva and the person who loves to make bongs out of old car parts. The important thing is to recognize the type that you are and making sure that you aren’t offending or making someone angry with your actions. Marijuana is a plant of peace and positive energy, spread that love and smoke away.