Tolerance, trileptal?, addiction?, etc.

Discussion in 'Places and People' started by acrostwyck, Oct 13, 2010.

  1. acrostwyck

    acrostwyck New Member

    This may be a bit depressing or whatever, but I"m finding myself yet again out of spare money and weed and booze. Now even after smoking for a year or so now, and having drinks for the past few years on occasion, I am still much the same as I was before I ever touched drugs. It's just I seem to have this constant, subconscious urge to alter my mental state, either from depression or boredom or because I feel good but I could fee so much better with some weed!, etc. So I guess maybe I might have changed a bit, but only in this one way: I used to be able to smoke once and be good for a week or two as far as cravings, or drink once, whatever, but now I just feel like every night I get to the point where I'm at home, alone (besides my annoying roommates) in my room, and I'm just so goddamn bored sometimes or not but I have a stronger urge to smoke, drink, or smoke cigs. Just anything, cause I'm constantly feeling numb. Not necessarily depressed, detached numb, just like a robot with absolutely no emotion at times. Sometimes this tips over into depression, and sometimes I'm just naturally ecstatic and euphoric and shit, but this numbness is just beginning to really irk me. It makes me feel as though I NEED some kind of druge every single night, and I start feeling sad when I have none. Same thing's happening with caffeine even. I'm thinking maybe it's from the trileptal I'm prescribed, and was wondering if anyone else has noticed this effect. But the reason I don't really believe it's the Trileptal is like I said; I've always been like this on some level. I never get that out of my mind crazy awesome beautiful high anymore, and sometimes it's a mere physically drunk-kinda high. And I gotta have at least one strong cup of coffee a day and some chocolate to actually stay awake from the Trileptal and to release enough endorphins to stave the numbness off till nighttime. Could be the cure is just to visit Starbucks every day and get a few mochas, but I work minimum wage at 10 hours a week, and I"m barely making rent, so that's not a viable option. But anyway, I'm just rambling, and bored, and numb, and alone without weed or anything, and seriously trying to hunt down some Vicodin or Lortabs to get a new buzz without having to smoke a full ounce or so for a while. One of the reasons I decided to start smoking and drinking regularly in the first place was my lifelong battle with getting to sleep. No matter what I did in a day, as I became a teen I found the only way to get to sleep without a huge heavy meal or nyquil or drugs was to stay up until 6 am and knock myself out from exhaustion. Of course, this only led to me waking up later and later and having to stay up later and later which was solving nothing.

    I really have gotten a little off track, and this may be a bit too long for others to give a damn about or sit thru and I'm sorry, I'd just really appreciate outside insight on my situation, whether I'm an addict or my tolerance is too high or whatever else. I'd appreciate feedback, thanks

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