Well written, Big words rap

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by potheadreturns3, Apr 8, 2004.

  1. potheadreturns3

    potheadreturns3 New Member

    Ok so this is the best I can do right now anyway. The underline means it should rhyme with something. It might make it easier to read it the way I say it. And the slashes (/) are to signify a new line. OK tell me what you think. I'm counting on you guys!
    Verse 1:

    I feel like I'm stuck in cediment /
    So I start severin everyone's /
    Limbs with a bad temperment /
    The prevalance of my intelligence /
    Is evidently irrelevant /
    The evidence are my medicines /
    Try to fight the fact that my minds snapped /
    Just to spite my dad and my moms act /
    They always said I was a good boy /
    I've always seen that as a good ploy /
    A good way just to get what I want /
    I do play when I'm high off of five blunts /
    I do sway kids to get high try some /
    Try to learn some so I don't die dumb /
    Gotta burn one on the ride home /
    die stoned in the comfort of my home /
    Enjoy the growth of the seeds I've sewn /
    The talents of my lyrical balance /
    And just try to rise to my challenge /
    Give these kids a reason to live with.... /

    (chorus X2)
    Real words for the real world
    Real verses for those with real curses
    I'm a real person who's really hurtin

    Verse 2:

    I was fifteen when I started listening /
    To rap songs and it wasn't that long /
    Before I realized I had to rap some /
    But not about gat guns the way that some /
    Do This surge of bad rappers that emerged /
    I swear to god it's like the god damned flu /
    And these god damned dudes are god damned fools /
    Being a gangster isn't a god damned rule /
    Whenever I hear the same simple hits /
    It gets my eyes bugging my minds ugly /
    I've got brain pimples still don't say simple **** /
    Puttin' Kansas city on the map /
    Now I just need these kids to react /
    And act like the never will retract /
    What they say and never will detach /
    Or even stray from goin' down this path /
    So relax and open up the hatch /
    Get jacked and start pouring down the (Censored) /
    Listen to me and my intricacy /
    So impressive when I'm objective /
    Lyr-i-ca-ly when I'm spittin out these.... /

    (Chorus X2)

    Verse 3:

    These historic dreams have me stressed out/
    So I don't even want to wake up /
    Say screw it so that my life stays ****ed
    What great luck! I got dumped in a slump /
    By a girl with dope skunk in her trunk /
    What a great ****! Smoothe as a lay up /
    When ever we'd stay up bumpin' her **** /
    After we got done puffin the blunt /
    Maybe these dreams are something I want /
    Stop fighting you need someone to love /
    I think I (censored) and I just wanna run /
    I just wanna gun down one hundred one /
    Liars just like her they seem to inspire /
    Me to make cheats scream louder than the town cryer /
    And when I see her just off of myer /
    Hit the gas ( C e n s o r e d ) /
    Quick get out (Censored) up with some (censored) /
    Get home and (censored) up in the fryer /
    Just call me a-ron the fire esquire /
    And when I Perspire what I desire /
    Is the ecliption of this vixen /
    To which I will give this description /
    Sweet, lovely but full of conviction /
    She cant come back now I'm gone fishin' /

    (Chorus X4)

    For the uncensored version give me an IM at my nifty handle : CAAS360. Or an email at : CAAS360@aol.com
  2. potheadreturns3

    potheadreturns3 New Member

    Oh come on guys! I'm really counting on you to tell me what you all think of this. I try really hard, it's important, come on!
  3. what???

    what??? Banned

    Imma be honest with you.The first verse was tight, but it seems to fall off mid second to third verse.You got talent, no doubt about that.Your trying to hard it seems like.If you could just speak from the heart then it wouldn't be so bad.
  4. potheadreturns3

    potheadreturns3 New Member

    Thank you! I appreciate the criticism. I know not what my **** seems like to other people, so again thank you. Keep the constructive critisism coming!
  5. verse 3 sounds like its about something totally differnt than the rest of the song.
    the rest is alright but i hate rap anyway.
  6. Coolguy

    Coolguy New Member

    Hey thank you for posting this.

    When I say this.. I do not mean it as a flame.. I think you giving too many props to yourself in the rap. It may very well be confidence but it comes off a little arrogant.

    That said, it's probably better than I can do. Keep working at it and posting them.. people will help you out.
  7. potheadreturns3

    potheadreturns3 New Member

    Thanks for the replies! See each verse is just about different life stresses for me, and about what's real in my life. But I don't take it as a flame cool guy, I kinda go for arogance in a way. People won't listen to the song (when I finish it) unless I come out like I know what I'm doing. So that's why I got that, it's just part of the emotions I feel. Sometimes I feel better than 3/4 of the people I listen to but that's just like you said my own arogance lol.

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