Best Divorce Letter EVER!!!

Darque Pervert · 12-05-2006, 12:58 AM

Quote:

Dear Connie:

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.

The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again but that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.

This is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie. I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close."

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right?

As I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking,"Who do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. I don't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too because I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicki's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together. Connie, she really is.

So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's the teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you were you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicki's really into the whole anal thing. That gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is?

Love, Dan.

imported_SBsurferdude · 12-05-2006, 03:53 AM

totoro · 12-05-2006, 04:24 AM

I dont get it!!

SacredJellybean · 12-05-2006, 04:26 AM

It's not showing for me. I seem to be getting a 404 image (or perhaps a "bandwidth exceeded" message) in the form of the text "[+]" in large font, with the brackets slightly askew, and the text "http://thismight.be/offensive" at the bottom. Weird.

blitzed_24/7 · 12-05-2006, 04:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SacredJellybean

It's not showing for me. I seem to be getting a 404 image (or perhaps a "bandwidth exceeded" message) in the form of the text "[+]" in large font, with the brackets slightly askew, and the text "http://thismight.be/offensive" at the bottom. Weird.

thats the point of it

Darque Pervert · 12-05-2006, 12:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blitzed_24/7

thats the point of it

Actually, no. That's not the point of it.

Hmmmm.
I'll fix this.

Darque Pervert · 12-05-2006, 12:06 PM

All fixed.

(Dunno how I got two posts, but I'll edit this one to say it got fixed!

)

totoro · 12-05-2006, 10:50 PM

ok, NOW I get it. I thought maybe it was supposed to be funny cuz it only had three symbols in the letter. Then I remembered "Hey, I'm not stoned right now". But now this makes more sense.

drOnly · 12-05-2006, 11:08 PM

"Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt" hahahaha that was my favorite line..

Kuya · 12-06-2006, 01:43 AM

Haha, that letter is hilarious.

12-05-2006, 03:53 AM	#2
imported_SBsurferdude Surfing Fiend Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 1,148 Grams: 5,498.80 Thanks: 0 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post Stock Portfolio Total Value: 0.000 Gain/Loss: 0.000%	wow __________________ Back in the groove.

12-05-2006, 04:24 AM	#3
totoro Jr. Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 208 Grams: 2,559.45 Thanks: 0 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts Stock Portfolio Total Value: 0.000 Gain/Loss: 0.000%	I dont get it!! __________________ "Where's the monster in the closet, I cant find the hangman inside his hood, I guess evil don't exist when times are good."- Bright Eyes (Napolean's Hat)

12-05-2006, 04:26 AM	#4
SacredJellybean False Prophet Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 1,180 Grams: 9,513.73 Thanks: 392 Thanked 225 Times in 120 Posts Stock Portfolio Total Value: 0.000 Gain/Loss: 0.000%	It's not showing for me. I seem to be getting a 404 image (or perhaps a "bandwidth exceeded" message) in the form of the text "[+]" in large font, with the brackets slightly askew, and the text "http://thismight.be/offensive" at the bottom. Weird. __________________ "Every age has its peculiar folly and if Charles Mackay, the author of the 19th century classic, Extraordinary Popular Delusions and the Madness of Crowds were alive today he would surely see 'cannabinophobia' as a popular delusion along with the 'tulipmania' and 'witch hunts' of earlier ages. ... I also believe that future historians will look at this epoch and recognize it as another instance of the 'madness of crowds.'" ~Dr. Lester Grinspoon

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Switch to Linear Mode Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
6633n Sap 10-50 Is My Up Coming Test!?!?!?	BiscoNut	Urine Testing	5	11-17-2006 05:41 PM
MMR: Selangor Steps Up Its War On Drugs	Buzzby	The Drug War Headline News	0	08-12-2006 10:20 AM
will I pass? In need of some positive reinforcement!	stankydank	Urine Testing	3	06-23-2006 09:44 PM
rolaids	needgreen	Urine Testing	1	05-14-2006 03:16 PM

Hot Products:

Orange Krush - Legal Bud

Black Magic Solid Smokes

Vapir One Vaporizer