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Goman86

The Worlds Fastest Smoker

Now in the laid back California town of sunny San Rafeld
Lived a Girl named Pearly Sweetcake, you probably knew her well.

She’d been stoned 15 of her 18 years, and her story was widely told
That she could smoke ‘em faster, than anyone could roll.

Well her legend finally reached New York, that grove street walk up flat,
Where dwelt the Calastoga Kid, a beatnik from the past.

He’d been rollin’ dope since time began, and took a cultured took,
And said “Yep, I can roll them faster than any chick can smoke!”

So that old kid went to San Rafeld for the Championship of the World,
The kid demands a smoke off! “Well, bring it on!’’ said Pearl.

“I’ll grind his fingers off his hands! He’ll roll until he drops!”
say’s Calastoga “I’ll smoke that chick ‘till she blows up and pop’s!”

So they rented out Yankee stadium, and the word was quickly spread,
“Come one! Come all! Who walk or crawl! Tickets just two lids a head!”

And from every town and hamlet, over land and sea they speed.
To see the greatest doper’s with the worlds greatest weed.

Hasheeseds from Morocco, Hemp smokers from Peru,
And the Shashniks from Begund who smoke the deadly Pugaroo!
And those who call it ‘light of life’, and those who call it boob.

See the dealers and their ladies wearing Turquoise, Lace, and Leather,
See the knocko’s and the closet smokers puffing all together.

Too the Tine’s who smoke Legal, too those that have done some time.
And the old man who smoked (reefer) back before it was a crime.

And the grand old house that Ruth built is filled with the smoke and cries
Of 50,000 scream’n heads all stoned out of their minds!

And they played the national anthem and the crowd lets out a roar as the spotlight hits the kid and Pearl ready for their smoking war.

At a table piled high with grass, tall as a Mountain Peek,
Were the tops and lids from the rarest flowers, not one stem, branch, or seed.

I mean Maui Wowie! Some Panama Red and Ocopoco Gold.
Keef from Afghanistan and the rare Alaska Cold.

Styx from Thailand, Gange from the islands, and Bangkok’s bloomin best,
And some of that west from Portland **** that capsized off Key West.

There Wahatantops, and Kinubang, and Riviera Flours,
And the rare Manhattan Silver that grows in the New York sewers.

And theres bubblin ice cold Lemonade and sweet grapes by the bunches.
There were Hershey bars and Oreo’s (in case anybody got the munches)

And the Calastoga kid he smiles, and Pearly, she just grins.
And the drum’s rolled low, and the crowd yells “GO GO GO!”
.......and the worlds first smoke off begins.

Well the kid, he flicks his fingers once, ZAP! That first joints rolled.
Pearl took one toke with her famous lungs and PUFF! The roach is cold.

And the kid he rolls his Super Bomb that would paralyze a Moose.
So Pearl took a mighty hit and (Wheeze) bomb stick fused.

And he rolls three in just 10 seconds. She smokes them up in 9.
And everybody sits back and say’s, “Hay, this just might take some time.”

See the blur of flying fingers; See the red coal burning bright;
As the night turns into mourning, and the mourning fades to night.

And the Autumn turns into summer, and a whole damn year is gone;
Those two still sit on that roach filled stage, smoking and rolling on.

With tremblin hands, he rolls his J’s with fingers blue and stiff.
She coughs (Hack wheeze) and stares with bloodshot eyes
........And puffs through blistered lips.

And as she reaches out her hand for another stick of Gold,
The kid, he gasps! “Damn it, *****, theres nothing left to roll!”

“Nothing left to roll?!?!” screams Pearl. “Is this some twisted joke?”
“I didn’t come here to F**** around, man I came here to smoke!”

So Pearl reaches across the table and grabs his bony sleeve,
And crushes his body in his still strong hands like dry and brittle leaves.
She picked out his teeth and bones like useless stems and seeds.

And she rolled him up in a Zig-Zag and took one final toke.
So the fastest man
With the fastest hands
went up
In a cloud
Of
smoke.



In the laid back town in California...called sunny San Refeld
Lives a girl named Pearly Sweetcake, you probably know her well.

She been stoned 21 or her 24 years and her story is still widely told
How she can smoke ‘em faster than any dude can roll.

While way off in New York City on a street that has no name,
Lay the hands of the Calastoga Kid in the Rollers hall of fame.

And underneath his fingers is a little golden scroll
That say’s “Beware the fate of a roller when theres nothing left
....to roll.
__________________________________________________ ___
Recorded by KRXQ 98.5 Rock Radio Sacramento California.
Translated to writing by Goman86@yahoo.com

 

AnarchistBarbie

A really good foundation here - you're a Kipling fan? If not, you might find some pleasure in trying his work - I recommend Barrack's Room Ballads.

__________________
Life has no dress code.

SmokerForPeace

That was an excellent poem/story, you rhymed the wordy greatly.

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Cosmic Charley how do you do?
Truckin' in style along the avenue
Dumdeedumdee doodley doo
Go on home, your mama's calling you

Goman86

um, i didnt write it. i just wrote it down i thought id share it with yall. sorry, but i wont plagerize.

AndieBear

Thanks for sharing!!

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Ten people who speak, make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.