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Leithreas

Billy's Problem

My dad always said I could do whatever I wanted, but that is never the case. I hate my job. To fill you in on what my profession is, I am the general manager of "Straws, Sticks, and Bricks." I bet you could guess what I sell. Yup. I'm a vender of straws, sticks, and yes, even bricks. Normally I sell my products to normal human beings, but last Tuesday, a small fat little plump pig walked in. Oh, how I wish he were a strip of bacon instead so I could put him on my piece of rye and eat him for lunch. Anyways, the young boar walked up to the front desk and insisted on buying fifty pounds of my best straw. I asked the pig, "Now how can you possible own your own horse?" "No, no, no, Mr. Billy," explained the pig, "I am building my very own house!" "Of course," I reassured him, "How stupid of me, let me show you my selection."

The pig, having selected his straw, kindly gave me the thirty-seven rupees in exchange for the straw. I asked the pig where he was going to build his house and he replied, saying "Oh, I've bought my plot of land over yonder." While he was saying that, we walked outside and he pointed to a hill towards the west. The hill was like a mountain, but smaller. "What's your name, pig?" I asked. "My name is, well, I don't really have a name, but my two brothers call me Pigone." Immediately, I started thinking about A1 barbeque sauce and how good it would be on a slice of honey baked ham. Realizing what I was doing, I brought myself back to the real world and asked Pigone if he wanted the free delivery that came with every purchase. Pigone accepted and we loaded the bushels of straw onto my wagon. We hopped on and road gently into the sunset.

The next morning I woke up back at my shop with absolutely no memory of what happened last night. Thinking the pig incident was only a dream, I opened up my shop and waited for my first customer. At about 3:00, a pig walked in and started looking at my stick collection. Wide eyed and shocked, I had no idea what to think of about the current situation. "Pigone?" I questioned. Looking up with curiosity, the pig told me that he was not Pigone, but his brother. I asked him what his name was and he told me, "Well, umm... I guess you could just call me Pigtwo, since you already know my brother." "Pigtwo..." I thought quietly to myself. Immediately after I thought his name, my mind went off into that day dream world again. I started thinking about a second helping of ham, and perhaps a green bean casserole to go with it.

"Hello?" asked Pigtwo. I raised my ear. "Ahh, may I please buy every stick you have, Mr. Billy?" "...Sticks? Oh yes, sticks. Certainly. I am kind of limited on my supply due to the forest being forbidden, but I do have some sturdy sticks from last harvest." The pig said that that would be find and he bought all of the sticks I had. He gave me eighty-two rupees as the price and I asked if he wanted the free delivery. Pigtwo accepted my offer and we drove off into the North towards his ten-acre plot of land. Out of those ten acres, second of them were covered by water. I dropped off the pile of sticks and drove the scenic route back to my shop. I flipped on the tele and turned to channel 9 just in time for the weather. The weatherman said that for the next week, there were no clouds, but that there would be a slight chance of rain. Thinking the slight chance of rain would help me get to sleep, I made my bed and turned off the lights.

I woke up the next morning with a high-pitched buzzing noise in my ear. Not knowing what it was, I looked to the left and noticed my alarm clock was shaking violently on my table. I literally shot out of bed and ran to get ready. It was already noon and my store was supposed to open at 10:00. Hopefully no one had visited me yet. I got to the shop at about 12:36 and I noticed a pig waiting for the doors to open. With the sight of the third little pig, I started to wonder if there was a pig convention or something down the street. I walked up to him, introduced myself, and asked if I could help him find anything.

"Well, Mr. Billy, I am looking for five hundred large bricks." My mouth hit the floor. "What a sell," I thought as I welcomed the pig into my store. This pig was obviously the rich one of the trio. "Pigthree? That is your name, right?" I asked. "Actually, no. It isn't." the pig answered. "My name is Oscar." "Oscar, now that's an interesting name for a pig," I commented. He started to ramble about how he got his name, and I decided now would be the perfect time to zone out. With the name 'Oscar' stuck in my mind, I started to think about Oscar Meyer wieners and how a freshly grilled hot dog with ketchup and mustard would satisfy my hunger. Perhaps a side of corn and some fries would be good as well. When Oscar had finished talking I told him his story was very interesting even though I didn't hear a single word of it.

I took him to the back of my store to select his bricks. Once he had chosen them, he paid me one rupee for each brick he bought. With five hundred rupees in my pocket, I was set for the next four days. "Thanks a lot, Oscar," I told him, "You know it comes with free delivery, right?" "Oh good," exclaimed Oscar. "I don't think I could've carried it all to my place by myself." "Come on," I commented, "let's go load them onto my wagon.

We each lifted the bricks onto our wagons and at about 2:00 we headed south towards the prairie fields. The meadow was lined with thick green grass, and there was not a sign of death anywhere. Yep, that grass was green, a deep dark green. It reminded me of this place with a really full, green lawn. They had this ice sculpture of a horse and it just looked like it belonged. And you could lie on the lawn. It wasn't like those dumb 'Don't walk on the grass' areas, where you want to walk on the grass because it is so green and grassy. Anyways, I lay on that nice green, not forbidden, grass with the ice sculpture for hours. Any hoot, it was kind of a long wagon ride but that's okay because I made so much money from the sale that day. Oscar was kind of fat. He had a double chin, no, a triple chin! I mean, some folks have chins, but he had a chiny-chin-chin. It was really hard not to laugh at him while we unloaded the wagon. When we finished unloading, he invited me out to eat. We went to a place named 'Ham's Pork' and both ordered a delicious ham sandwich. Oscar was a fan of ham; there was no doubting that. Mmm...ham. I really like ham. It's kind of like he other white meat, but more pinkish. I realized that Oscar was a pig eating a ham sandwich. He was not a pig to mess around with. He took me home and I stared blankly into the wall for a few hours until my vision went black.

I came to in the middle of the night with an uncontrollable craving for ham. I destroyed my shop looking for any piece of the luscious pork I could find. Unfortunately, my search was futile. I was hamless. I finally realized that in the past three days, the completely different pigs bought three completely different items at my store. Knowing that all of my products come with free delivery, I knew exactly where I could find some ham. Hastily, I ran west up the hill and then down the hill. I ran for about twenty minutes before I had to take a breather. Out of the silence of the night came an unearthly squeal as if something small had just died. Without thinking clearly, I ran even faster towards the pig's house. When I got there, I collapsed and fell to the ground. Pigone's house was in a huge pile as if the house had been blown down by a fierce wind. I didn't collapse because of the site, but because I was hyperventilating. I needed some water. There was no sign of Pigone at the house. The squeal I head on the run over must've been him being ripped apart in amuck by a raging wolf. Coming to the conclusion that there was no ham here, I thought myself into a deep depression and walked sulkingly towards Pigtwo's house in hopes of finding a slice of ham. I got there by sunrise in a deluded crazed state of mind. My mouth was foaming and my eyes were sagging. Another shock jumped onto my back as I found out Pigtwo's house had received the same fate as Pigone and his house. I crawled myself towards the edge of the lake and dipped my head into the water. Luckily I had my eyes opened because when I sunk my head in, I noticed a bunch of piranhas swimming around the bottom of the lake. I jolted up and ran towards Oscar's house. Sighing in relieve of the standing house, I fell to the ground and lay on the grass. "Wow. This is really comfortable grass," I thought to myself. I started to fall asleep on his lawn until I remembered my goal. Ham.

I stood myself up slowly and walked calmly towards the front door. I rang the doorbell, but realized there wasn't one there, so I ended up just knocking on the brick door. A few minutes passed until I heard the door crack open. It was Oscar. For some dumb reason I thought other pigs were living in his one room house. He invited me in and made us some drinks. I insisted on him drinking more, and soon enough the pig was drunk. I found my way to the kitchen and grabbed the biggest knife I could find. I walked up behind Oscar and raised the knife with my hand. Was I really going to commit murder to satisfy my craving for ham? Yes. Yes I was. I slammed the knife into Oscar's back and he fell helplessly to the floor. The pig I had made friends with yesterday was now dead.

Without feeling any remorse, I picked up the dead carcass and placed him in his oven. "Forty minutes ought to do the trick," I said out loud as I licked my lips. I decided it would be nice to lie on his lawn again, seeing how it was such a nice day outside. I took my first step outside and was immediately mauled by a massive wolf. "Crap!" I yelled, but no one was there to hear my cry. The wolf tore off my limbs and ate them like chicken wings right in front of my eyes. He left me alive as he ran inside and grabbed Oscar out of the oven. With a vicious grin on his face, he dragged he pig over by my head and ate it. "How could he?!" I gasped with the very little air I had left. I realized that he was taunting me and that I would never taste the sweet juiciness of ham again. Damn that wolf.

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"I am the Alpha and the Omega," says the Lord God, "who is and who was and who is to come, the Almighty." --Revelation 1:8

Have a nice day!

 

hauptmann

I thought parodies were supposed to be funny?

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FeralJessNZ

Thats a frightening story

Coolguy

Hmm

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Herb Ninja

Although he dipped his head in the lake, he never actually drank water after you stated he needed some. That is the only flaw I see that isn't grammer related.

Nice to see some good stories every now and then.

You know you deserve this in more ways then one.

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Ron Paul for the Long Haul

 

Leithreas

well, herb ninja, that is supposed to be a given. when someone sticks his head in the water, he can get some.

there are a lot of typo's i found after i posted it. sorry about that

hauptmann.....i guess you dont think the same way i do to realize the humor.

hauptmann

Its funny like the friday the 13th movies are funny. Thats the only way I can explain it.

C-Train

"Was I really going to commit murder to satisfy my craving for ham? Yes. Yes I was."

LOL

Stephanie S.

OK, most people replying to this thought it distasteful, I found it to be quite amusing! Another shining example that I will never fit in.

Ever read The True Story of The Three Pigs by John Sceizka and Lane Smith? Alexander T. Wolf is really innocent.

I just told this story to my class last week. Then we saw a video then we read the True Story...comparing and contrasting the story in book form, through oral re-telling and video. In the video there were 2 bros. and a sister pig.

Very creative, Leithreas. Try to check out the Sceizka book.
Also, the Frog Prince Continued is a hilarious story of the marital bliss of the frog prince and his bride.

peace

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"See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda." —George W. Bush, Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005 (Listen to audio)

Herb Ninja

Ohk I thought he dipped his head in, saw the piranha, and got out of there before he was able to get a drink. I wouldn't want to drink from a piranha infested lake, but I suppose dehydration could change my mind. Silly me I guess I was trying to be a perfectionist.



Not me.