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420Aesthetics

I already posted this here, but I also posted it in the new doobien forum that guy made, and extended it to fit his rules for a poetry contest. Tell me all what you think please.


there stands a small child
all alone with a broken smile
clenched fists hang off his little wrists
with repetetive negative thoughts
of murders and gun shots
he already hates life at a young age
spastic and quick to burst into a rage
the lion's been released from the cage
from there it's blood and loose hair
dead bodys but he doesn't care
**** this existence it's not fair
i'm a murderer give me the electric chair
on my knees i'm begging you, ease my pain please
it only grows stronger and stronger
and i don't know if i can last any longer
when along came a dove from above the heavens
begging me to please put down my weapons
your only causing a path of destruction
but that whats happens when anger and hate conjunction
i'm a machine now chaos is my only function
there's no limit to my consumption
i'm out for revenge now, i'll never calm
the day is mine, i'll crush them in my palm

and here's a longer version of "Empty Bottle" I posted up here last month.

only drips left in the bottle
i'm walkin drunk with a wobble
can't even stand so i just bobble
the ugly girl just turned into a super model
and nothin she says makes sense
am I that drunk or that dense
now I'm tryin to find somethin to lean against
or just find a seat and smoke some sens
**** seeds i want some good weed
i dont want no crack, ex, or speed
right now gettin high is what i really need
im gonna need a video camera to remember this in the morning
i've takin been poppin everythin that has a warning
especially after that fire and whatever I snorted
how come everyones face is becomin contored
my stomach is startin to bubble but i got no food, cant afford it
spent all the money had on a whole lotta drugs
and where the **** did i park my car
should i even drive, its not that far
reach in my pockets, no keys, just another bar
found some kid and slang it for only a buck
finnaly find my keys, and started up my truck
check out my stash and finish off the last of the cane
alright ready to go, ive completely ****ed up my brain
at this moment in time i could pass as mentally insane
drivin 70 miles an hour down the highway in the wrong lane
my windshield whipers are broke and i can't see **** in this rain
**** it if i die, i don't got anything to lose or gain
don't even cry when i go, it won't be a shame

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Spark one.

 

420Aesthetics

Thanks, so much. Big rep points to all of you...

imported_brownie

Hey man, I like your stuff. It's got a real good vibe to it. May I assume that you live (have lived) in the inner-city? Anyway big props to ya, don't know why anyone else didn't respond....

If you got anything else, please put it up. I enjoyed reading it.

brownie

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I follow my 3rd grade teacher's advice:
Get 5 big servings of greens everyday

Leithreas

They're two very good poems. I have some suggestions for you though. Your rhyme schemes don't really have a pattern, which kind of makes it difficult to read. Try to make the syllables of each line be very close to the one preceding it. If you have one line with 5 syllables, and the second line with 9, and then the third with 4, each rhyming the end word, it makes it choppy. The best poetry are ones that flow easily out of your mouth. You had some good areas in both poems, but there were a few that couldve used some work.

good luck in the poetry contest.

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"I am the Alpha and the Omega," says the Lord God, "who is and who was and who is to come, the Almighty." --Revelation 1:8

Have a nice day!

420Aesthetics

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