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There once was a red chair. Only the cushion was red, the rest was solid oak of natural color. It had a slight dent on the right armrest on the inside that was made several years previous by love. Abstract ideas were always attacking it, but most of them are not solid so usually no harm was done. Aside from that, though, there was a green stain of approximately three square centimeters on the upper-left part of the seating area of the chair, where the point (-8, 9) is located on the graph. The cushion was frequently used as a graph during the war because the graph paper factories were busy building graphs for the Allies. The Germans may have gassed more Jews, but the Allies graphed more polynomials! And ask yourself this, who won the War? No, it wasn't the Allies or the Germans. It was the power of math.

Anyway, previous owners of the chair include Queen Elizabeth I, right-fielder for the Cubs, Wayne Douglas Gretzky, Steven Paul Jobs, deadly7, and Jesus of Nazareth. It famously tripped a member of the Ku Klux Klan in what would start the Velvet Revolution, one of the bloodiest revolutions in American history. It was featured as part of the main plot in a Seinfeld episode, in which George sat on it and it broke into about a million pieces. (Don't worry, this was a fake version of it.) He then hid the pieces and had a plastic model built (ironically, it was the real chair) and tried to place it back in the room, with hilarious consequences! The chair was also featured in an episode of Gilmore Girls. Not as a central part of the plot, but as a normal chair! Can you believe that? Those rich bastards.

Its name is Dan. This is not essential to the plot of the story I am telling, but my editor insisted that I add some comedic relief in this otherwise quite dramatic piece. I think it takes away from the mood, but, hey, it's not my job to sell the stories, I just write them. Incidentally, and, consequentially, but most definitely not practically, I'm just writing this sentence to use a bunch of pauses before it actually starts and concurrently add to the overall length of this story. La de da da, I'm writing a Peter Pan story. Look at me!

Ahem. The dimensions of the chair are approximately 0.94 cubits by 4.3 metres. The arms are about 4.2 hands long and end approximately one barleycorn before the cushion similarly ends. The back of the chair rises approximately one smoot above the seating area, leaving the legs with about four inches of height. The actual seating area is (quite naturally) one pinkwater. This is uninteresting.

The reason I'm writing this, actually, is because I'm selling the chair. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have an offer. I'm trying to clear up some space so I can build a nursery.

Peter Pan died. The end.

 

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One day Peter Pan was checking his gutters as he usually does right before he goes to work, when he noticed they were missing. Naturally, he went over to his neighbor's house to see if they had any gutters he could steal. Nope. Peter Pan was at a loss for what to do. The first thing that came to his mind was to go into f**kstration, but he decided to keep it real. Eventually, he settled on going to the city to buy some gutters with a built-in heater so that the water was at a comfortable temperature as it passed through.

"Hot gutters here!" said a street vender named Gertrude. Peter Pan was in luck.
"Hello, I am interested in buying some hot gutters. What would you suggest for a first-time buyer?" said Peter Pan.
"You are buying all my gutters. OK. Yes," said Gertrude.
"No, I think you misunderstood. I didn't say I would buy anything let alone your entire stock."
"Four dollars."

Peter Pan gave her four dollars in Monopoly money. That's the currency they use in Peter Pan's country, because real money is just not cool in the movies. Gertrude handed Peter Pan the gutters.

"Wait a minute, these gutters are cool. And this isn't a gutter at all!" said an outraged Peter Pan as he held a cat by the scruff of its neck.
"Yes it is a cool cat. Have nice day. Thank you," said Gertrude.
"Agreed, but what about my gutters? The water is going to freeze!" said Peter Pan.
"Switch from cooler to heater," said Gertrude.
"Oh. Thanks," said Peter Pan.

On the way home, Peter Pan's cat choked on a gutter. Peter Pan died for some reason.

Fin.