neconide

When I was young, I said "some day I will be 10!".
When I was ten I said "some day I will be 14!"
I'm 14 now. I sit here saying, "some day I will rot in the ground."
It's the most scary thing to think about. I believe nothing happens when you die. Your brain shuts down and your heart stops pumping blood. Suddenly, in that last instant of your life where you can feel the adreneline pulsing through your veins as your vision gets blurry, you draw your last breathe, and die. Nothing. Pure, absolute, horrible nothing. I can not fathom this.

It's the way I think of time. It seems like a minute ago I was 10. An hour ago I was 8. Time goes by, and theres nothing you can do to help it. Some day I will be 50, and wonder what happened to all that time. Knowing I will never be any younger or stay as young as I am ever again. Everything I did wrong staring back at me in the darkened rifts of time. It hurts, it really does.

Some day I will be 75, hospitalized. I won't sleep, for the fear of death while asleep. I'll cry myself to sleep, and wake up to see another day. I begin to get more worried, because I slept. I promise myself I won't sleep tonight. Tonight, I cry to a nurse telling her about my bleak outlook on death, life, and time. They try to comfort me with words but it does not work. All that will comfort me is to harness the art of nature itself, and turn back time and obtain imortality. I feel the worst pain I've ever thought of because I know I'll most likely die here within the next few days. I'm using the term "worst pain" as a euphemism for an emotion so strong no words can describe. The nurse is gone. It's just me and passing time now. I cry myself to sleep again with dry tears since my old eyes can not create them.

I wake up late at night, maybe 1:00AM. Two doctors and three nurses hover over my fastly moving stretcher. It's time, I think... I get the gut pain and I feel like I am about to throw up and heel over. I can hear my heart rate steadily increasing as it pounds in my chest. It reaches a point where I think it will explode. My eyes close. An unknown amount of time later, I feel a surge in my body. A defribulator. It hurts, and my eyes slam shut again. Another shock, and I'm gasping for air unable to control my body. As my lungs purge the pain, my chest pounds harder than I thought possible. I know I'm going to die, as my heart rate increases again and I suddenly feel a sharp pulse throughout my entire body, as if I'd been barraged by arrows. I feel no pulse throughout my own body, the pounding in my chest seises. Everything moves in a quazi-slow motion. Everything is bright, because my pupils are diolated. I hear a faint noise, for under 1/10th of a second I can hear the flat line. I feel one final slam, as if a rock had been dropped on me. I am dead.

If you have ever had a dream where you are about to die, in a hospital, you will strongly understand what is almost impossible to put into text. If only time could go by slowly... if only.


-neconide