Drug Testing - The Definitive Guide

TIPS TO A LESS STRESSFUL DRUG TEST

Identification

First and foremost: Bring your unexpired, government issue, photo identification. This can include a passport, driver’s license, military identification or State issued identification card among some of the more popular identifications. If you do not have an UNEXPIRED, GOVERNMENT ISSUE, PHOTO IDENTIFICATION, we will not test you unless the employer’s representative is standing right beside you. Period.

Saying “Oh, I don’t have my ID, I left it at home”, then getting into your car and driving away, looks really bad when I call the employer and tell them that they will need to reschedule the test for you. The employer knows you drive, you probably just said so in your latest interview. Now the employer is wondering why you don’t have your license in your purse or wallet. That shows lack of personal responsibility. Not the first impression you are going for when trying to get a job.

This happens much more often than it should – at least 3-4 times each month. Don’t leave home without it.

Cell phone

Nothing pisses us off more than talking incessantly on your cell phone while taking a drug test. What is more important to you; your friends or your employment situation? I am trying to work. This is my job. Put the damn phone down and turn it off. Show me some respect and I will make the test go smoothly. Give me grief and I can make you regret it.

Attire

I tested a girl for a major retailer. She showed up literally wearing her fuzzy pink slippers and her pajamas. She had neon pink hair and an attitude to match. She thought her shit didn’t stink and made sure everyone around her knew it. I made sure her prospective (yes, this was a pre-employment test) employer knew it too. It isn’t that I enjoy being a “tattletale” or a “narc”, it is just that this is my job. Drug testing for a pre-employment test is part of the entire pre-employment process; along with the application, interviews, physical and orientation, there is drug testing. Just because it isn’t done at the employers facility doesn’t mean the employer isn’t taking part in the test.

Make sure you dress as you would for the job. If your employer expects you to wear jeans and a t-shirt, then wear one to the drug test or interview. Make sure they are clean and not torn though. Your t-shirt should not have an endorsement or a large photo on it. Just wear a plain shirt. If you are applying for a banking job, wear business casual attire. I think a tux or an evening gown is a bit much, but dress as you would for the job.

Friends

Leave them at home too. If you can’t interview and complete the pre-employment process by yourself, how in the world do you intend on getting through the workday alone? You may not see it this way, but guaranteed your prospective employer will. Besides, we can’t allow your friends in the testing area. At our facility, they must wait out in the hall. They aren’t even allowed in the waiting area.

1. This isn’t social hour.
2. We don’t have enough room to accommodate all your friends.
3. I can’t ensure the integrity of the testing area if you have one or two friends with substitution’s or adulterants on them. I can’t search them or ask them to give up their possessions as I can with you, so I can’t let them into the testing area.
4. I need to keep testing as private as possible to protest your privacy and the privacy of others in the testing facility. If someone else is waiting to pee and you bring in all your friends to stare at him/her and know his/her business it isn’t fair or ethical to that other person.

Listen

Just listen to the collector give the instructions. IF you have questions, ask them. I once gave a drug test to a guy. Here were the instructions:

This is a factory sealed cup. (I show the seal, then open the cup and dump out the contents). I need you to fill the cup to here (I point to a line on the cup about 15 ml more than what I need). I cannot do with less than here (I point to the line corresponding to the exact milliliters that I need) I prefer ½ cup if you’ve got it. Set the cup in the tray and open the door (I have a plastic tray about 10 inches in diameter that I want the cup set into to contain any drips). You can put any extra in the toilet. You cannot flush the toilet or run the water.
(For women I add in the instructions: You can use the toilet in your normal manner; using toilet paper and everything. You just cannot flush the toilet or run the water.)

The stupid guy never asked questions, he just said “ok”. I closed the door and waited. He flushed the toilet and opened the door. Just as I am about to say again: DO NOT FLUSH THE TOILET, I realize he is trying to hold both his full cup and the flimsy plastic tray full of urine. He ends up spilling the tray of urine all over the counter, floor and the roll or toilet paper. He is apologizing and nearly in tears. I am not too happy myself. I just packaged up the urine, finished the paperwork and sent him on his way.

I felt sorry for his prospective employer. Apparently this applicant has trouble following instructions. If you have doubts about what you are supposed to do, ask. I would much rather repeat the instructions or explain them in a way you can understand than clean up your spilled pee.

Don’t be late

I can’t say how many times I have called an employer to say that their applicant or random selection did not show up, only to have the donor walk in 10 minutes later. As a rule of thumb, I give about 20 minutes. If your appointment is for 3:00 pm, I will wait until 3:20 pm to call the employer. This is enough time if you are lost or have car trouble to get to a phone and call either us or the employer and let someone know what is going on. I cannot test you after I have called the employer to advise them that you were a “no-show”. Your test must be re-scheduled through the employer. Now the employer knows you cannot show up on time. Not the best impression you are trying to make when looking for a job. Also, if this is a return-to-duty or follow-up test, showing up late enough for me to call the employer is considered a refusal to test and therefore a positive result. Same thing for probation or parole. If I call your PO and tell them you are a no-show, you can bet he will consider that a violation of your probation or parole. This cannot have a good outcome for you.

Cooperate

I am not here to serve you. Get over yourself and leave your ego at the door. I don’t expect you to cow down to me or anything like that, but treat me with respect. I work for your employer or prospective employer. I will report any problems during the drug testing directly to the employer – probably before you get across the parking lot and into your car. Just follow the instructions. I don’t care if you hate the whole idea of drug tests and feel they are a violation of your rights. If you despise it that much, walk out the door. Don’t take it out on me.

Don’t ask me if I like my job or tell me that you could never do my job because you find it to be gross. I am not there to make conversation with you or justify my presence to you. If you find drug testing gross, you will never get a job in the medical field, child care or anything else where bodily functions are a part of daily life. No wonder you are applying for this minimum wage, dead end, retail cashier position. I get paid $25 for 10 minutes of work pouring your pee in a bottle, snipping your hair or swabbing your mouth and sending it off to a lab so you can get paid $25 for 4 hours of work sorting clothing on a shelf. Now, who has the better job?

Not sure whether this tip belongs in the "Preparation" section or the "Cooperation" section. Take a crap BEFORE you leave home. Don't take a big old dump and leave it in the toilet for us to look at. That just makes us think you have no class and are totally disgusting. You know that you are taking a piss test, or at least have an idea you might be taking a piss test. If you have to take a crap, do it before you leave home. Show some class.

Preparation

Don’t pee before you leave home. Even if you think it is a saliva or hair test, if you aren’t sure, don’t pee. You can always ask to pee after you get there if you find out it is a saliva or hair test. You can’t pee on demand if you just emptied your bladder 20 minutes ago. You cannot leave and come back later (at least you aren’t supposed to). I can give you up to 40 ounces of water (not coffee, soda, tea, whatever) spread evenly over 3 hours.

If you do not provide a specimen in 3 hours, you are to go to a physician to find a medical reason for not providing a specimen on that date and time. You have up to 5 days to accomplish this and you probably will have to pay for the physician. Try to make an appointment with a physician within 5 days. You can’t do it. Even if you do, short of a major bladder or kidney malfunction, there really is no reason. Even if you are slightly dehydrated, 40 ounces of water will make you pee enough for a drug test.

I have magazines for you to read, but your comfort is not a priority to me, so the seats are uncomfortable, magazines are old, waiting room is too cold or too hot, you are bored, I don’t care. Just pee in the damn cup and get out of here.

Documentation

Keep your copy of the custody and control form (CCF). It says where your test was conducted, who the collector was, the identifying number of the specimen, whether your specimen was within temperature range or not, whether it was a split specimen or not, who the Medical Review Officer (MRO) is, etc.

Most of all, it is proof that you actually did take a drug test. If your specimen is lost or damaged in transit, or the lab mis-labels your specimen and it becomes "lost" at the lab, you at least have proof that you took the test. In some cases (DOT random testing, for example) a lost specimen is not a reason to re-test. The DOT figures that you have already tested, and just because your specimen was destroyed or lost during the delivery to the laboratory, is no reason to make you take a re-test. However, you will need your copy of the CCF to prove when, where and most of all that you actually DID take a test.

IF you have your copy of the CCF, you cannot claim that you do not know what type of test (lab or instant), where it went, who the MRO is, etc... If you have questions, you can call the employer and ask if you have your copy of the CCF. If the employer is a large corporation, with offices in several cities, you may be talking to a Human Resource Department person who doesn't know you from Jack. You will need the CCF number (Specimen ID Number) listed at the top of the form. Throwing away the form, or not taking it in the first place severely limits your ability to obtain information.

Insurance

If you are substituting, make sure your substitute urine, either real or synthetic, is good. Get some home tests and validity strips and sacrifice a bit of the urine to a pre-test. That way, you aren’t like some, who are soooooooo confident going into the test, then when I reveal the results of the instant screen, seem to go into shock.

If you are using your teenagers urine, the worst time to find out that your teen smokes or uses pot is while you are being tested. If you paid for the urine either from a "friend" or the internet, you have no idea if it is good until you actually test it. You have already paid, what does the seller have to lose? You, on the other hand, will be out a job, or worse; your freedom.

Home tests and validity strips are sold over the internet or in your neighborhood drug store. Stock up if you are subject to random testing or are looking for a new job.

Appendix A

Did I mention that you will need your identification to take a drug test?