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So You Want To Be A Marijuana Farmer?

Liberty For All | by Matthew Bryan | Submitted by Herb Ninja

Let's fantasize of an across-the-board legalization of marijuana by the federal government. Stop laughing and set aside all of the improbabilities of such fantasia for now. Our purpose is to examine the ramifications of legalizing a substance that, in the past century, has infected our federal masters with an arguably unprecedented messianic zeal and unslakeable thirst for moralistic discipline. That such a rollback of federal marijuana statutes could ever occur amidst the current climate of rampant general paranoia and loathing of all things even slightly subversive is, indeed, laughable. But we soldier on. In fact, it is in the spirit of living during a time of most oppressive fear and loathing where we may begin. Assume all is the same, except we are now free to cultivate and smoke pot with impunity. Let's see how this might play out.

We've already made our first incorrect assumption. Cultivate with impunity? Not likely. First we must procure our Official United States Marijuana Grower's license from the newly created Office of Psychoactive Substances, a subdivision of the Department of Agriculture. We can't just walk in and get a license, of course. First we must navigate a Kafkaesque labyrinth of regulatory obstacles, beginning with the license application itself, form THC-420. So dense with irrelevant minutiae is this voluminous questionnaire, inquiring deeply into our motivations for becoming a federally sanctioned cannabis farmer, we may well decide to just grow our buds on the sly. Ah, but woe betide to any who deign to "moonshine"--grow sans license. So declares the sign on the wall at the OPS office:

"Any individual and/or organization who shall grow or attempt to grow unlicensed cannabinoidal substances shall be subject to a fine of not less than one-thousand dollars ($1,000.00) per metric ounce of cannabinoidal substance and shall also be subject to a term of no more than six (6) months in a federal penal institution, or, should said weight not exceed one metric ounce, said fine shall not exceed nine-hundred-ninety-nine dollars ($999.00) and said penal liability shall not exceed one-hundred-seventy-nine (179) consecutive days. Furthermore, any individual and/or organization who shall abet or attempt to abet another in the cultivation of unlicensed cannabinoidal substances shall be subject to the same penalties as described above, pursuant to United States Federal Penal Code BS--MF--13."

Yikes! So we slog through the form--"pressing hard," as it warns balefully, for we are making five (5) copies! Finally, our hand throbbing from writer's cramp, we proudly present our application to the gum-snapping, perfunctorily friendly drone, so bureaucratically ensconced behind her unnecessarily high counter. We shift restlessly as our government servant peruses our form with what seems like resigned boredom disguised as rigid contempt. At last, she produces a rather large rubber stamp and similarly proportioned inkpad. With deliberate deliberation she stamps the front page of our form: "Approved, subject to applicant's case history, digital processing, and payment of processing fee." Case history? Digital processing? Processing fee? The clerk sighs, and with the manufactured patience of one speaking to an errant child, explains that our application will be approved, provided we pass an extensive background check, submit to fingerprinting, and fork over five-hundred dollars ($500.00) for the privilege. Undeterred, we dutifully recite our social security numbers aloud--she has apparently forgotten she could just as easily have copied them from the front page of our form THC-420, which still resides on the counter before her. She summons us behind the counter (!) to submit our fingerprints and pay our processing fee. We have spent five (5) hours at the OPS office.

Marveling at the rapidity with which the government constructed such an intimidating bureaucratic hash, we return home anxiously to await the arrival of our license. Six (6) weeks later, we receive a letter:

Dear Prospective Cannabis Grower,

Thank you for your recent application for licensing under the Realigned Cannabis Cultivation Act of two-thousand-four (2004).

We are sure you are anxious to receive your license and begin cultivating cannabis for the enjoyment of your family and friends. We share your excitement.

You will soon receive your Official United States Marijuana Grower's license in the mail. Please follow the instructions in the accompanying letter carefully.

Shortly after receiving your license, an Office of Psychoactive Substances Inspector will come to your residence. DO NOT commence cultivation until the inspector has cleared your facilities for cultivation. The inspector will advise you of all pertinent growing regulations for your area.

Once again, thank you for your application. We look forward to doing business with you.

Sincerely,

John Walters

Second Assistant Deputy Undersecretary for Cannabinoidal Cultivation
Office of Psychoactive Substances
Department of Agriculture
Washington DC

Six (6) weeks after this letter, we receive our license. Approximately five (5) minutes after we open the envelope, there is an aggressive knock at the door. It's the inspector, of course. Clad in a dark blue windbreaker with "OPS" printed large across the back, he invites himself in. If we didn't know any better, we'd have pegged this guy as Narco. Of course, now we glimpse a faded DEA t-shirt through his carefully unzipped jacket! It is open far enough to see his shoulder-holstered Desert Eagle as well. He scans the room from behind opaque aviator sunglasses and flips open his credentials and badge:

OPS guy: Agent Smith, OPS.

Us: Where do you want to start?

Smith: Will you be growing indoors or out?

Us: Hydroponics. In that room over there.

Smith: Can't do that. It's a street exposed room. Kids might see in.

Us: Uh, okay. I guess we'll do it in the back bedroom.

Smith: (now in back bedroom) Ok, this will be fine. Just keep the windows covered.

Us: Yes, sir.

Smith: What are you going to grow?

Us: Marijuana.

Smith: (visibly annoyed) What strain?

Us: Oh. Thinking about Super Afghani.

Smith: Can't do that.

Us: (sighing) Why not?

Smith: Aside from trafficking in seeds from a nation with which we are at war?

Us: Ah, of course. Tell you what, why don't you tell me what we can grow?

Smith: Glad to. (produces a thick tome from behind the Desert Eagle) All in there.

Us: Ok. Thanks.

Smith: I'll be back in six (6) weeks.

Us: Can't wait.

The manual weighs in at five-hundred-six (506) pages, not counting indices, appendices and addenda. From amidst the bureaucratic blah blah, we deduce three (3) main points: Firstly, power usage will be monitored. Excessive kilowatt-hours are grounds for a reclassification of our grow to "industrial reapage." In other words, we are producing too much for the reasonable use of a dozen (12) people. Our grow would then be considered as one of mass production, thus quintupling (5x) our taxes and "reapage fees." Secondly, we are required to submit names, ages and addresses of all who will partake in our harvest. Each member of our list must undergo "case history, digital processing and processing fee", just as we did three (3) months ago upon submittal of our grow application. The processing fee is a mere one-hundred dollars ($100.00) for smokers, however. Finally, our choices of strains we are allowed to grow are limited to "locally indigenous varieties only". If we wish to grow "non-indigenous" varieties we must complete form THC-420a/e\069, and submit an environmental impact statement along with any associated "impact fees." As we are not aware of any varieties "indigenous" to our northerly-located state, we resign ourselves to a failed attempt at legal cannabis cultivation. We pop a legally scripted Oxycontin to hold off a nascent migraine and set out for Eddie the Head's house, where we can partake "off-list" for a one (1)-time fee of fifty dollars ($50.00). Eddie has friends at the OPS; he scored a waiver.

Matthew Bryan resides in Nevada with his wife and pets. He pens libertarian screeds in his spare time to relieve his unrelenting fury toward the ever-encroaching state and those who abide and abet it. His columns have previously appeared on Strike the Root.

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iGame3D

Dude, you harshed my mellow.

I liked the "Let's fantasize of an across-the-board legalization of marijuana by the federal government." part. After that it was sad.

I have a dream, of a time when farmers and home gardeners are free of tyranny. I have a dream when this nation will live up to its assertion as "land of the free". I have a dream when men women and youth no longer fear the offices and officers which they toil to fund and maintain.

Well I'm no Martin Luther King, but I can dream.

Take me down to the pardise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty. Oh won't you please take me home? -GnR


I'm a technological person, having been a computer user since 1981, but I long for the day I find myself toiling in the sun soaked fields of hemp for the benefit of all man-kind, converting my techno-knowledge-y to that purpose.

Where can I go for this? Where is home? Where is the land of the free?

Suetaz

I think it would probably be another 6 weeks of waiting, not 5 minutes. Since you can't grow until the inspector's been there, they would drag it out another six weeks. I hope Matthew's fantasy doesn't come true, this it utterly depressing. If this fantasy were acurate it would probably be even longer of a wait to start with, with the rush of people wanting licenses. I say never mind regulating it, just legalize it and leave us alone!

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Herb Ninja

I agree, I too say just legalize it and leave us alone. But this is the government we are dealing with, they would want to heavily tax the commercial product and charge permits to grow your own personal product. It would be a rediculous mess, even if less so then prohibition is.

And iGame3D, I share your dream. Unfortunatly thats all that it is, a dream. Peace, HN-

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theherbalist

That is the happiest and sadest prediction of the future I have ever read!!
OMG I think I'm gonna go puke now..............

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Cassius

Interesting read, but it kind of misses the point, in my opinion.

Whether you decide to try and grow for your friends or not is a little irrelevant. Whether your friends decide to try and grow for you, and whether you have to be on a "list" for getting it from them even if you don't grow it yourself, is a little irrelevant.

Far more important than individuals producing and distributing it upon legalization, will be the fact that companies will be able to produce it. And do you think they won't, when it stands to be such a huge industry with such a vast potential for revenue?

I don't care how hard it is to get a license to grow, if I can go down to the gas station and buy a pack of Marlboro Greens for twenty bucks.

Greenbud

Well, I think this fantasy is just a tad far fetched. The fact is...alcohol (a much more harmful and legal drug which has also experienced its own prohibition repealed) is not as tightly regulated in this country as the above scenario. Anyone can go down to the home brewing supply store and purchase a kit to make their own beer in the privacy of their kitchen. The "potency" of it is completely up to your discretion. There are no laws saying you have to hide your kit in a closet or cover the windows when you use it to protect "the chiiiiildren". If you are brewing your own, you don't have to have a license (if you sell it, that's another matter). The DEA doesn't come knocking on your door to "inspect" the brewing facilities. Still, many folks don't want to go through the trouble of making their own.

And like Cassius said, you can just go down to the Qwicky Mart and pick up a 6 pack of Coronas for $7 and forget it.

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TANJ3113

Way back when, I worked for the Govt and I was touring the building with a stupervisor and we went into a refrigerated vault, where lo and behold I saw packs of "Acapulco Gold" and other varieties of Marijuana were already pre-packaged in ciggerette style packs of 20, all told around 50 varieties.
Made my mouth drewl

I am assuming they were submitted by the major cigg co's of the time in preperation of legalization back in the "70's".

So why can't I grow a couple of plants for my own consumption?

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