Buzzby

Pot In the Rollins Rose Garden?
Campus-based investigation reveals more questions than answers.
Brian Hernandez | The Sandspur | 04/01/2005

In what was touted as a bold initiative by the Rollins Community, the Department of Biology set out to dispel decades of rumor and conjecture with an all encompassing examination of the current generation of flora found in the college's famed rose garden.

What these researchers discovered not only surprised and enlightened the band of heralded campus skeptics, but the results may have shed light on the infinite talents of their alumnae biological brethren, and perhaps the "real" reason why Rollins Homecoming Week continues to grow in popularity.

The Rose Garden Study, which was generously funded by grants established by the newly formed Rollins Hemp Club, and the campus organization Conservatives Against Non-Natural Augmentation of Biological Intoxicants or Stimulants (CANNABIS), was launched early last fall and was scheduled to last only two weeks. Now eight months into the testing and evaluation phase of the research, Dr. Mary-Jane Hightower and graduate assistant Sam "Herb" Smokeman explain that delays were to be expected with research of this type. However, their results thus far are very encouraging.

"We've identified a new breed of marijuana growing in the form of rose blossoms," explained Hightower. "It's a fascinating hybrid that appears to have been genetically mutated for the explicit purpose of disguise and increased potency." Smokeman went on to further elaborate on the shocking revelation their research has unearthed, "This is good sh*t man, better than Indo Bro. Whoa, dude, did you see that little purple elephant run away with my box of Eggo waffles? Damn, I've got the munchies baaaddd!"


COULD THESE BE THE CULPRITS?:
Are these two unidentified alumnae
(pictured during a past Homecoming
festivity) the biological geniuses behind
the mutant roses? We may never know.

On the opposite end of the excitement spectrum, Christian Weedtoker, '05, president of CANNABIS, was instrumental in organizing the study and expressed his discouragement of the findings, yet remains hopeful that the final results will contradict any introductory findings. "CANNABIS is determined to remain objective until the very end (pausing for a puff of an unusual smelling cigarette), as conservatives against any form of genetic alteration. (pause) Um... what were we talking about again? Oh yeah, we are horrified that some unsavory character from Rollins' revered past, would even attempt to tamper with one of God's most beautiful creations. (pause) I meant the flower just there, not anything else okay - are we clear?"

Despite obvious emotions from either side of the study, any clues as to the origins of the altered flora have as yet remained elusive. However, speculation amongst those linked to the investigation suggest that it may be linked to a controversial biology thesis that was rumored to have been jointly formulated in the early 1970's by two unidentified Rollins seniors. "We may never know how or why someone would go to such lengths to conceal their passion for marijuana, biology and roses," added Hightower. "But we did note in our research that, according to campus groundskeepers, rose blossoms seem to suspiciously disappear during homecoming festivities each year."

A coincidence or secret alumnae plot to cultivate and reclaim the harvest of their youth? The truth remains as elusive as the reasoning that justified an expense-laden rose garden in the first place. But as a representative from the Rollins Hemp Club explained, perhaps the motivations behind the science have a direct and honorable correlation with the legacy of the Rollins Ethos of Fiat Lux (Let There Be Light), "Do you have a lighter? I can't get this hookah lit," passionately shared Beverly Blunt, '07.

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