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Buzzby

Studies Show That Jesus Probably “Rocked the Ganja”
Gary Winfield | Theology Today | 03/02/2006

JERUSALEM: Theology professors at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem have recently discovered evidence that our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ was most likely a pot head. “He had all the characteristics of a Marijuana smoker.” Stated Dr. Sol Goldstein “the clothes, the compassion for those around him, and the constant lectures about love and acceptance were our first big clues.”

Excavations done in key areas where Jesus Christ supposedly frequented have turned up several clay pipes containing massive amounts of cannabis resin. Soil tests show high levels of the chemical component THC, and it’s hard to over look the massive amount of “ditch weed” growing rampant on the outskirts of the excavation sites. “This would also explain the last supper.” Replied Dr. Goldstein, “The water into wine and other minor “miracles” were most likely mild hallucinations by a group of people with a major case of the “munchies”.”

Although many Christians find the report “absurd” and “blasphemous”, Most cannot deny the fact that it explains quite a few flaws and missing parts in the bible. Devout Catholic James Goodson stated: “I consider my self a good Catholic but come on, even I had my suspicions, have you ever read the bible? Genesis alone is filled with so many contradictions only a strung out hippie would even attempt to understand it.”

Many pictures depicting the Christ show his eyes heavy lidded, and presenting a calm facial expression. “That was another clue that struck us as odd” replied Dr. Goldstein. “I don’t think anybody who wasn’t “smoking up” would be that calm knowing that they were going to be crucified.” Other artifacts have been found leading the research team to the same conclusion, such as: small clay bowls full of seeds and stems, pottery fashioned into “bongs”, and several finger paintings depicting sunshine and flowers. “There are just too many coincidences.” Lead archaeologists William Weinstein announced. “These excavation sites remind me of my college dorm room.”

Further Excavations are scheduled at several sites near Bethlehem; However, Funding for the dig has become scarce. “The University says they don’t want to fund research that will offend anybody, and the Christian financiers don’t want to believe that their savior rocked the ganja.” Reported Weinstein. “I just hope we can convince the Atheists Society to pitch in.”

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nerphroll

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaa

Sol Goldstein? William Weinstein? Hebrew University?
We Jews have been trying for centuries to paint Jesus as a druggie....AND NOW WE HAVE!!! Hooray! No conspiracy here.... The true secret of the Da Vinci Code...Tha Holy Grail was not a cup, not MAry Magdalene's bones, but a four foot bong.


This is so comical. Like a really bad episode of CSI...
On the other hand, I can see how this could offend tens of thousands of people. I find it pretty obnoxious that these two fools make such claims with utter confidence. It really does reek of bigotry.

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HELP ME IVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR OVER 13 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!
PURIFY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tolerance4all

Click on the link above. Buzzby, you should have waited till the first of next month.

Higher Logic

Heh, I thought it was funny, even though it's just a joke. Jesus couldn't have been a smoker, he never even existed.

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buzzmobile

Sometimes it helps to follow the link.

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It smells funny in here.

Now it really smells funny in here, and my fingertips are sticky.

 

nerphroll

Oh, I see. In that case, even more hilarious.

Buzzby

Damn! The next time I put up a spoof news article I'll have to make the link to an intermediate page where I ask people not to give away the joke. From there I'll link to the actual article at its source.

buzzmobile

Oops, my bad, Buzzby. As I read the article I thought, "Oh, PLEASE! What kind of crap is Buzzby foisting on us as news."

I diagrammed my action:

michaelbation

actually jesus was the most well documented person in that time period. you'd have a harder time proving that julies caesar existed.

Higher Logic

Actually, I think you mean to say that Jesus was the most well documented person in the Bible during that time period. The only sources that give accounts of Jesus are the New Testament, e.g. the Gospels and the Epistles. However, Jesus wasn't even mentioned in early Christianity until 70-100 years after his supposed death. The early Christians had no account of Jesus, he was added after the fact.

When it comes to non-Christian writings, there is nothing written about Jesus or even Christianity. There is no archival or archaeological evidence that refers to his existence from the period where he is said to have lived.

The only non-Christian writings that historians can find contain passages that possibly talk about Jesus, but they never mention him. In that case, you could be talking about the 25+ other Jesus-like godmen out there who share the same story as him.

Pliny the Younger is probably the closest person we have that even talked about Christianity, and he wrote in 112 CE, but was talking about a god called Christus. He never mentions Jesus.

The second "possible" text about Jesus is from Suetonius, but he wrote about Chrestus, which was a popular Roman name meaning good or useful, and it was very common among slaves, as is passage dealt with the slave revolt. So he wasn't talk about Jesus either.

The only time anything close to Jesus AND Christianity being mentioned is from Tacitus, who wrote in 116 CE about the Christians that existed in Rome during Nero's time (54-68 CE)—and we KNOW that Nero existed—he mentions about a Christ that was sent to death by Pontius Pilot. That sounds like Jesus, except for the fact that the term Christ was a Hebrew word for Messiah, or annointed one, and it was given to many. He never mentions Jesus. Tacitus also talked about how the Christian belief was nothing but superstition.

Not even the Jewish Talmud talks about Jesus, which in Hebrew would be Yehoshuah. The closest match we have is Yeshu, from the Babylonian Talmud, but Yeshu doesn't match the Biblical accounts of Jesus, and the name itself is a derogatory acronym for anyone attempting to convert Jews from Judaism.

Historians and scholars will tell you that Jesus is a myth, just like any of the other godmen. Jesus is an allegory for the birth, death, and rebirth of the sun, just like all major religions. Read up on Max Muller for starters. However, read James Frazer and you'll get the sense that the Jesus myth had to do with the spring and winter solstice. Regardless, they both deal with the sun.

So you want to tell me that because the Bible is the only text we have that mentions Jesus that he somehow existed, while no other text ever mentions him? This is the same book that says the earth was created in 7 days...

Religion is the science of the child. Science is the religion of the adult.

Anyways, I don't want to get this thread off-topic, if you want to talk about this take it to the Tiki Lounge.