Marijuana.com - Humor and Jokes

Times Have Changed - 1957 vs. 2007

newcarcaviar — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 08:06:36 GMT

A friend forwarded me this email and I thought I'd share it here. I've put it in Humor and Jokes, which, don't get me wrong, I get. But there's some truth here as well.

Quote:

SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007

Scenario :

Jack goes rabbit shooting before school, pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.

2007 - School goes into lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his ute or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2007 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs

Scenario:
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario :
Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.

1957 - Ants die.

2007- Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

I propose a plan.

forty2 — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 20:05:28 GMT

Gentleman, and ladies.

I have come up with a possible solution to a problem that has irked us for along time.

What is the problem you ask?

Well it is regarding the legality of Marijuana of course. After hours wasted of trying to convince our unenlightened brethren the positive values of Marijuana, and why it should be legalised. Alas, they have chosen to ignore our prostrations(:hail:)! But fear no longer for I, Forty2(Answer to Life, So you know this is a good plan btw.) has come up with a plan!

But be warned! This is not for the faint of heart! So if you have children, put them in your attic!

Now. On to business. By now you are looking at your screen and asking. What is the plan forty2? Will this work? Am I hungry?

The answers to these questions comrades are this.

We will need and a

I dont know how much I can stress how integral Morgan Freeman is tied to the success of this plan, but I will summon him with my Morgan Freeman Whistle andI have a friend of Japanese origin who has said he is willing to lend me his Gundam, which infact does come equipped with said laser! (But he needs it back so he can blow his own shit up and get chix.)
Now with this laser we will approach the Guverment (Trust me Huge Fucking Lasers have proven to increase attention spans by one million and Morgan Freeman alone increases attention by CHINA.) With Morgan Freeman we will use him as our voice! With his commanding voice he will dispel the Government of their tomfoolery and shenanigans but if this was not to work He will simply say. "Gentleman. I have a Huge. Fucking. Laser" In the most Morgan Freemany voice EVER.
The voice alone will cause urine to spontaenously enter all of Congress' undergarments while the Laser itself will cause a much thicker and darker excrement to share said undergarments with urine!
(Except Ron Paul. Currently their is possibly no way to make Ron Paul uncool. As Bruno quite eloquently portrayed.)

Thus the Government will bow down under the Orgasmical combination of Morgan Freeman and Lasers, forcing them to legalize this plant!

So you surely see that this plan will work! and yes! You ARE hungry!

Found These:

Mary Jayne — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 04:42:29 GMT

A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home. One the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled. The guy limps up to the stoner and says "Call me an ambulance!" The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You're an ambulance!"

This white stoner guy is heading off to Jamaica for a week with his buddies. His fiancee, Wendy, is really worried about her man being unfaithful, so she asks him to tattoo her name to his penis. He agrees and does so. When his penis isn't erect you can see the letters W and Y. The woman feeling secure knowing that her name is tattooed on her man's penis says good-bye to her fiancee and he leaves for Jamaica. One day, while in Jamaica, the guy is at the urinal and a black Jamaican comes and stands at the urinal next to him. The white guy happens to notice that the Jamaican also has a tattoo on his penis and he could see the letters W and Y, so he says to the Jamaican, "Wow, that's really interesting! I guess you have a girlfriend named Wendy too!" The Jamaican looks at him with a puzzled look and then stretches out his penis to take a leak and it says, "Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day!"

The Pot Paradox: An empty bowl needs to be filled, a full bowl needs to be emptied!

why is it that....

BakerForLife — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 23:36:58 GMT

why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

An e-mail I sent to a professor a few years ago, that I just re-discovered

macphearsome — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 06:52:14 GMT

Dr. XXXX,

I submitted my document analysis, but omitted the bibliography because I have some questions about citing. Y'know, the sort of questions that I probably should have asked when I was sleeping through your lectures.
If possible I will stop by your office and ask those questions.

Also, I discovered your useful comments and revisions to my Intro &
Thesis. Very useful, actually, but I only discovered them now, about 10 minutes after submitting my full document analysis with my original and unedited Intro. I'm not aiming for some sort of special consideration in regards to my mark; rather I'm just explaining why you will read the same awful introduction a second time. The problem is not with stubbornness (a phenomenon amongst students, I assure) but with WebCT ineptitude.

Consider it a favour! Instead of reading that Intro again, you can just pencil "78%" into the margins next to the first paragraph and save yourself 2 minutes!

Regards,
XXXXXXX

no wonder I almost failed

Jesus Jokes! Help Contribute!

RyanB — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 18:31:48 GMT

This is a thread for all those Jesus, Christianity, God jokes or other stuff like that. Other religions too. Help contribute! Maybe we can get a couple of pages in here ;)

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

A: The picture only needs 1 nail

:hail::angel:

I thought it was funny at least :)

Great Weed Names

zeechus — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 18:43:41 GMT

Thelonious Skunk
Tasmanian Go-Kart
Lavender Luau
Bron-Y-Aur Kronk
Senegalese Snooze Button

These and more can be found at the Random Weed Name Generator

Random Weed Name Generator

Weed Comics

024 — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 02:54:46 GMT

I find them really funny and wanna share them, post your own aswell :P

Made a gallery.
ImageShack -

How to Roll A Joint

024 — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 00:41:15 GMT

http://img59.imageshack.us/img59/1010/1257034390257.jpg

A koala smoking a joint

intangible child — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 10:36:24 GMT

I ran across this and it was pretty good so here it is Images 4

101 Ways To Annoy People

DrugZ — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 21:26:02 GMT

101 Ways To Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

straight up pimp

xDxSxMx — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 02:01:32 GMT

http://melodymaker.posterous.com/the...gle-very-funny

Gotta tell it how it is.

you know you're too high when...

daydreamindaze — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 17:42:32 GMT

everyday normal situations become almost impossible.

post your funny stories!

=]

Power of the badge

1956 — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 15:14:00 GMT

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.." Rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get “Horned“ before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

“Your badge. Show him your BADGE!!!"

I lol'd.................

Texas Toker — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 16:58:14 GMT