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luclin292 · 05-31-2007, 08:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Perplexed Pixie

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph.

"How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness.
He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney.

"This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

Perplexed Pixie, that was great, when I read it I had a good laugh, don't know if being stoned made it funnier, but that was great.

luclin292 · 05-31-2007, 10:53 AM

If stopped by the cops, things you should not say are:
"(in a pouty voice)The last officer let me go."

"My bong fell and got lodged on the gas pedal causing me to speed out of control, while I was reaching for my beer."

"I honestly didnt know where I was officer, I swear!""

"LIES AND SLANDER"

"Thats not mine, You planted it."

(Tell him the truth in an overly sarcastic voice) what were you doing "(sarcasticly) I was just rolling some blunts"

"Officer: Do you have anything we should know about"
You: No
Officer: Can we search your car?
You: No
Officer: Are you trying to hide something?
You: Yes"

"Officer: Can we search you car?
You: Can I search YOUR car?"

"YOU WILL LET ME GO OR YOU HATE FREEDOM, YOU NAZI"

"You have to let me go, I had plans to rob a liquor store tonight"

"Wow, You must've been going atleast 85mph to catch me"

"apigsayzwat"

"(Say happily) Does this mean a Full-body cavity search!?"

"Do you know how fast I was going?, I am going to have to write you a ticket"

"That was fun, We should do that again sometime"

(repeat everything he says)(kinda immature, but would be funny to see their response)
"officer: license and registration
you: license and registration"

"officer: why were you driving so fast
you: to take this pot I found to the Police Station"

"What, man"

"Hey, I remember you, You got beat up alot in school"

"So, When do ya search me?"

That is all I can think of for now, enjoy

DankDealer · 05-31-2007, 04:37 PM

A guy walks into a bar and sees a giant jar filled with 100 dollar bills. He asks the bartender why its there and the bartender explains that you put 100 bucks in and have to do 3 tasks to win the whole jar. So the guy asks wat they are and the bartender replies 1. You need to drink a gallon of tequila 2. You need to pull a rotten tooth from a pitbull out back and 3. you need to go have sex with an 85yr old virgin upstairs.

So the guy figures what the hell and throws in his 100 bucks. He downs the tequila no problem and heads out back. All you hear screaming and a dog barking and going nuts.

A few minutes later the man comes back inside with his clothes all bloody and torn. He looks at the bartender and says "ok so where is this old broad that needs her tooth pulled?"

Person 1: Hey did you hear about the actress that got stabbed? Reese...Reese...

Person 2: Witherspoon?

Person 1: No! With a knife!

cemetery girl · 06-05-2007, 03:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DankDealer

A guy walks into a bar and sees a giant jar filled with 100 dollar bills. He asks the bartender why its there and the bartender explains that you put 100 bucks in and have to do 3 tasks to win the whole jar. So the guy asks wat they are and the bartender replies 1. You need to drink a gallon of tequila 2. You need to pull a rotten tooth from a pitbull out back and 3. you need to go have sex with an 85yr old virgin upstairs.

So the guy figures what the hell and throws in his 100 bucks. He downs the tequila no problem and heads out back. All you hear screaming and a dog barking and going nuts.

A few minutes later the man comes back inside with his clothes all bloody and torn. He looks at the bartender and says "ok so where is this old broad that needs her tooth pulled?"

bahahaha that was hillarious.

NachtSorcier · 06-05-2007, 03:28 AM

My high school French teacher told us this joke.

A man walks into an ice cream parlor. He walks up to the counter and asks the soda jerk if he can have a chocolate sundae. The soda jerk says, "We're all out of chocolate." The man says, "Okay, then I'll have a chocolate milkshake." The jerk says, "We're all out of chocolate." The man says, "Okay, I'll have a chocolate ice cream cone." The jerk asks the man to spell the "van" in the word vanilla, and he answers "V-a-n." He asks the man to spell the "straw" in the word strawberry, to which he answers "S-t-r-a-w." He then asks the man to spell the "fuck" in chocolate. The man says, "There is no 'fuck' in chocolate." The jerk says, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

cemetery girl · 06-05-2007, 05:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NachtSorcier

My high school French teacher told us this joke.

A man walks into an ice cream parlor. He walks up to the counter and asks the soda jerk if he can have a chocolate sundae. The soda jerk says, "We're all out of chocolate." The man says, "Okay, then I'll have a chocolate milkshake." The jerk says, "We're all out of chocolate." The man says, "Okay, I'll have a chocolate ice cream cone." The jerk asks the man to spell the "van" in the word vanilla, and he answers "V-a-n." He asks the man to spell the "straw" in the word strawberry, to which he answers "S-t-r-a-w." He then asks the man to spell the "fuck" in chocolate. The man says, "There is no 'fuck' in chocolate." The jerk says, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

Wow, I wish my French teacher told jokes like that.

cemetery girl · 06-08-2007, 09:26 PM

Talking Dog

A guy is driving around in the backwoods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice-looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"
The lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at an airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap."

Belladom · 06-09-2007, 05:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DoritosMan

2 frogs are flying around and one frog saz to the other "frogs dont fly" so they fall and die!

This joke fills me with a very deep existential terror

cemetery girl · 06-09-2007, 06:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Belladom

This joke fills me with a very deep existential terror

Reminds me of that Skittles commercial.
"Dude, what if this rainbow isn't real. And it's just a figment of ou-" *falls*

Perplexed Pixie · 06-10-2007, 11:28 AM

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
Opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair.
He
Had no arms or legs. "You're not really asking me to consider you, are
You> ?" the widow said. "Just look at you! You have no legs!"

The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You! Don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door
Bell, didn't I?"

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday...

05-31-2007, 10:53 AM	#102
luclin292 New Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 39 Grams: 1,003.80 Groans: 0 Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Stock Portfolio Total Value: 0.000 Gain/Loss: 0.000%	Things not to say to an officer If stopped by the cops, things you should not say are: "(in a pouty voice)The last officer let me go." "My bong fell and got lodged on the gas pedal causing me to speed out of control, while I was reaching for my beer." "I honestly didnt know where I was officer, I swear!"" "LIES AND SLANDER" "Thats not mine, You planted it." (Tell him the truth in an overly sarcastic voice) what were you doing "(sarcasticly) I was just rolling some blunts" "Officer: Do you have anything we should know about" You: No Officer: Can we search your car? You: No Officer: Are you trying to hide something? You: Yes" "Officer: Can we search you car? You: Can I search YOUR car?" "YOU WILL LET ME GO OR YOU HATE FREEDOM, YOU NAZI" "You have to let me go, I had plans to rob a liquor store tonight" "Wow, You must've been going atleast 85mph to catch me" "apigsayzwat" "(Say happily) Does this mean a Full-body cavity search!?" "Do you know how fast I was going?, I am going to have to write you a ticket" "That was fun, We should do that again sometime" (repeat everything he says)(kinda immature, but would be funny to see their response) "officer: license and registration you: license and registration" "officer: why were you driving so fast you: to take this pot I found to the Police Station" "What, man" "Hey, I remember you, You got beat up alot in school" "So, When do ya search me?" That is all I can think of for now, enjoy

05-31-2007, 04:37 PM	#103
DankDealer New Age Krunk Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 562 Grams: 2,864.05 Groans: 1 Groaned at 3 Times in 1 Post Thanks: 140 Thanked 120 Times in 85 Posts Stock Portfolio Total Value: 0.000 Gain/Loss: 0.000%	A guy walks into a bar and sees a giant jar filled with 100 dollar bills. He asks the bartender why its there and the bartender explains that you put 100 bucks in and have to do 3 tasks to win the whole jar. So the guy asks wat they are and the bartender replies 1. You need to drink a gallon of tequila 2. You need to pull a rotten tooth from a pitbull out back and 3. you need to go have sex with an 85yr old virgin upstairs. So the guy figures what the hell and throws in his 100 bucks. He downs the tequila no problem and heads out back. All you hear screaming and a dog barking and going nuts. A few minutes later the man comes back inside with his clothes all bloody and torn. He looks at the bartender and says "ok so where is this old broad that needs her tooth pulled?" Person 1: Hey did you hear about the actress that got stabbed? Reese...Reese... Person 2: Witherspoon? Person 1: No! With a knife! __________________ "What is this.......a dooby run?" - Babs Murray Always keep your words soft and sweet incase u have to eat them

06-05-2007, 03:28 AM	#105
NachtSorcier Jr. Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 390 Grams: 1,401.50 Groans: 0 Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts Thanks: 0 Thanked 3 Times in 2 Posts Stock Portfolio Total Value: 0.000 Gain/Loss: 0.000%	My high school French teacher told us this joke. A man walks into an ice cream parlor. He walks up to the counter and asks the soda jerk if he can have a chocolate sundae. The soda jerk says, "We're all out of chocolate." The man says, "Okay, then I'll have a chocolate milkshake." The jerk says, "We're all out of chocolate." The man says, "Okay, I'll have a chocolate ice cream cone." The jerk asks the man to spell the "van" in the word vanilla, and he answers "V-a-n." He asks the man to spell the "straw" in the word strawberry, to which he answers "S-t-r-a-w." He then asks the man to spell the "fuck" in chocolate. The man says, "There is no 'fuck' in chocolate." The jerk says, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!" __________________ People put their hand on the Bible and swear to uphold the Constitution; they don't put their hand on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible.

06-10-2007, 11:28 AM	#110
Perplexed Pixie Ladybug Sunflower Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 1,690 Grams: 42,615.29 Groans: 1 Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts Thanks: 294 Thanked 479 Times in 180 Posts Stock Portfolio Total Value: 0.000 Gain/Loss: 0.000%	HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she Opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He Had no arms or legs. "You're not really asking me to consider you, are You> ?" the widow said. "Just look at you! You have no legs!" The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" "You! Don't have any arms either!" she snorted. Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door Bell, didn't I?" The wedding is scheduled for Saturday... __________________ Always and forever she's a Pothead4sure~The artsie-fartsie-hippy type mom.... Please Dont Piss off the Fairies! I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."- Eleanor Roosevelt I don't want to be the glue that holds your pieces together I don't want to be your idol See this pedestal is high and I'm afraid of heights I don't want to be lived through A vicarious occasion Please open the window

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06-08-2007, 09:26 PM	#107
cemetery girl Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Posts: 408 Grams: 1,857.40 Groans: 0 Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts Thanks: 0 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post Stock Portfolio Total Value: 0.000 Gain/Loss: 0.000%	Talking Dog A guy is driving around in the backwoods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice-looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?" The lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at an airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap."

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