Marijuana.com

WhiteBoy

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job

opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see. A BLINK! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye... that's a very popular clich for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already **** my pants!


HE GOT THE JOB! :-)

__________________
what? huh?

 

WhiteBoy

A young woman, several month pregnant, boards a bus and sits opposite a young man. He smiles and, feeling embarrassed, she changes her seat. But it is to no avail, for the young man smiles even more broadly when she sits down. Again she moves to another seat and he grins again. After the fourth move, the young man just rolls up and roars with laughter. The woman complains and duly summons him.

"Well young man,' says the judge. 'Have you anything to say in your defence?"

'Your honour, when the young woman got on the bus, her condition was obvious. However that did not prompt my smile, but she sat under an advert that read "Coming soon - The Gold Rush Twins". The woman seemed indignant when I smiled and she got up and took another seat beneath a shaving stick advert, which read "Williams Stick Did The Trick" she moved a third time and sat underneath a poster that read "Sloanes Liniments Will Remove Swelling". It was after she had moved seat for the forth time that I lost control of my merriment for above her was the slogan "Dunlop Rubber Goods Would Have Prevented This Accident".'

WhiteBoy

Three hunters were walking through the brush in Lousiana, all of a sudden
they saw a hog stuck in the bushes butt up.
The first hunter said "Dont you wish that was J Los ass up in the air?"
The second hunter said " No, I wish it Britney Spears"
They looked at the third hunter and he said "I just wish it was dark"

WhiteBoy

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer

WhiteBoy

Boudreaux and Thibadeaux wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00 between them.

Boudreaux said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the
butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Thibadeaus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all".

Boudreaux replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

They went into the pub where Boudreaux immediately ordered two double shot of Jack Daniels. Thibadeaux said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this !!"

Boudreaux replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"

They downed their drinks.

Boudreaux said "O! K, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.

They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk all for free.

At the tenth pub Thibadeaus said, "Boudreaux - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killin' me!"

Boudreaux said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third bar!"

 

WhiteBoy

Jim and Thelma were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Thelma promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Thelma's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Thelma the news she said, "Thelma, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom, right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Thelma replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.....How soon can I go home?"

WhiteBoy

this one is for any military types....

link

i dont know if this should go in cool links or here in the jokes forum, so if this is the wrong place i'm sorry


here are my favorites:

31) Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

32) Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

WhiteBoy

Q: Why did the Chicken Cross the road?

COSATU:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking, South African.

RAY MACAULEY:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious?
Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face?
The chicken was going to the "other side." That's
what "they" call it, "the other side." Yes, my
friends,that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that
chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott
all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless
phrases like "the other side." That chicken should
not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

DR NELSON MANDELA
Never again, will the chicken be questioned for crossing the road. This is an ideal for which I am prepared to die.

GRANDPA SIMPSON:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BISHOP TUTU:
We need a society where people will learn to forgive all the chickens that crossed the road. However, forgiveness will be granted to chickens that convince the nation that their reasons for crossing the road were politically motivated.

KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?

TONY LEON:
People should stop blaming everything on the legacy of the chicken that crossed the road'. The chicken never willingly crossed the road - the circumstances at that time forced the chicken to cross the road.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many
more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

SIGMUND FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

THABO MBEKI:
We need to establish if really there is a connection between the chicken and the road.

BILL GATES:
I have just released e-Chicken 2001, which will not only cross roads,but will lay eggs,and file your important documents. And, Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of the Chicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken"? Could you define "chicken" please?

GEORGE W. BUSH:
I don't think I should have to answer that question.

PAN AFRICAN CONGRESS:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

HANSIE CRONJE:
Satan made him do it.

ROBERT MUGABE:
We should really try to understand this chicken. As Hansie pointed out -Satan made him do it. We all know how devious Satan can be .

COLONEL SANDERS (KFC):
I missed one?

WhiteBoy

There are three Texan doctors all together in a bar, and they're all boasting about their recent medical successes.

The first doctor says: "Well, there was this firework maker, and he got seven of his fingers blown off. I sowed them back on again, and now he's playing concert piano!"

So the second says "That’s nothing. This guy got hit by a train, both arms and a leg cut off. I stuck them back on, now he's Olympic gymnast."

Third doctor says: "Well, there was this cowboy, and he was in an accident. All that was left was a hat and the horses arse, and now he's the president!!"

WhiteBoy

Did you guys hear that Ellen Degeneres is dead?!?!












































......They found her face-down in Rikki Lake