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thajuiceman

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

"Where's ma tractor?!"


What's green and looks like a bucket?

A green bucket!


Sorry, but I warned you they were stupid.

 

imported_Kannibal

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord Amen."

Viper2wX

lol thats great kannibal

portablefriend

Hah, i love it.

Very creative (although i know you did not create it).

I give !

peace

`pf

imported_Kannibal

> A wonderful Message by George Carlin:
> >
> >
> >
> > The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.

We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less.
We have bigger houses and smaller families,
More conveniences, but less time.

We have more degrees but less sense,
more knowledge, but less judgment,
more experts, yet more problems,
more medicine, but less wellness.
> >
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
> >
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
> >
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.
> >
We've added years to life not life to years.

> >
We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.
> >
We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.
> >
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
> >
We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
> >
> >
> >
> > These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships.

There are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one-niight stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.
> >
Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.
> >
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
> >
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
> > Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.



> > If you don't send this to at least 8 people.... who cares?


> > George Carlin

I was one of the 8 people a friend sent this to.I thought i'd just post it here.

 

CheebaMonkey

In case anyone is wondering, George Carlin didn't write that.

http://www.georgecarlin.com/georgeca...dontblame.html

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imported_Kannibal

So George didnt write it.I never really thought it to be important enough to investigate it personally.It does have a ring to his style of comedy to it and I just assumed it was his.It sounded like George.
It did stir some thought regardless of who wrote it but my apologies to Carlin but....

The main problem I have with it is that as true as some of the expressed sentiments may be, who really gives a ****? Certainly not me...George Carlin

Linear

My friend trying to make a funny joke which wasent very funny: they guy that lived next door kille dhimself HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

all the rest of us at the table: MAN THATS NOT FUNNY!

__________________
" dont steal my weed beth, I bought it im gunna smoke it!"