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king cola

"Baptizing the Drunk!"


A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...




"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

THC Fiend

If I found jesus I would sell him on e-bay.

__________________
"Nietzsche is dead."
-God

brevity is... wit

king cola

THE DRUNK

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and
staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch,
asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the
man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he
could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a
cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs
down from the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few
minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar.
He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes
over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the
man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender
for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door,
all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door
of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and
belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and
emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no
drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police
immediately.



The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish
cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"




A coversation between two drunks


Drunk 1: Where you from?

Drunk 2: Evansville

Drunk 1: You're kiddin' me. I'm from Evansville, too!

Drunk 2: Where'd you go to school?

Drunk 1: Evansville High

Drunk 2: Unbelievable!! So did I!!

Drunk 1: What year did you graduate?

Drunk 2: 1960

Drunk 1: You're putting me on!

Drunk 2: If I'm lyin',I'm dyin'!!

Drunk 1: I graduated in 1960, too! Man, this is unreal!!

Drunk 2: Hey, what street did you live on?

Drunk 1: Maple Street.

Drunk 2: Get outta town! This is incredible. I lived on Maple Street, too.

This conversation continues back and forth with one similarity after another for some time. The bartender gets a call for Joe, who isn't there. The bartender tells the caller:


"There's no one here but the O'Reilly twins and they're drunk again."





A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"


The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."




A guy walks into a bar at the top floor of large skyscraper and asks for a strong one. He drinks up and asks for another one. After quite a lot of drinks he walks over to a table where there are two men sitting, talking and drinking. "I'll bet you guys 5000 bucks I can jump out that window and land safely on street below!"
The two men look at each other then agree to accept the bet. So the drunk walks to the window and jumps out. The two men can hardly believe their own eyes when they see him land safely on the street and again enter the building. "How'd you do it?!" they ask in amazement when he enters the bar again.
"Well, you see." the drunk replies. "There is this ventilation shaft straight below this window, and the stream of air is so strong, it slows you down enough to land safely on the grid. Why don't you try it yourselves?"
So, both the men hurry to the window and jump out, facing certain death as they hit the street at high speed.
At this point, the bartender walks up to the drunk and says....


"You know what, Superman? You can be a real bastard when you're drunk!"





"What makes you think the prisoner was drunk?" asked the judge. "Well, Your Honor," replied the arresting officer, "I saw him lift up a manhole cover and walk away with it, and when I asked him what it was for he said,...


"I want to listen to it on my record-player!"




A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..........



"You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!"





Driving home very drunk


It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.

The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door created by two more state troopers.

"Are you Mr. Johnson, they asked? He admitted that he was.

"Were you pulled over on Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.

"And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.

"Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.

"May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.


"Inside the garage was the state troopers car!"

EndlessDissent

A man and his wife are pulled over on their way home from a party. The officer walks up to the man's door and says to the driver, "Sir, did you know you were going 35 MPH in a 25 MPH zone?" The driver's wife says, "Officer, he was going 45." "Shut up, *****!" yells the driver.

The officer walks back to his car and writes up two tickets, one for speeding and one for an unfastened seatbelt. When he hands them to the driver, the driver protests, saying that he undid it to get out his wallet. The drivers wife interjects by saying, "Officer, he never wears his seatbelt." "Shut up, *****!" yells the driver.

The officer then asks the driver's wife, "Does he always talk to you like that, ma'am?" The woman replies, "No, officer, only when he's been drinking."



A drunk walks into an ice cream parlor and orders a scoop of chocolate ice cream. The guy behind the counter tells him, "There is no chocolate today, sir." The drunk says, "OK, I'll have a cone of chocolate ice cream." The guy behind the counter politely reminds him, "There is no more chocolate." The drunk says, "Well, then, I'll have a pint of chocolate ice cream." The guy behind the counter is getting frustrated and says, "Sir, there is no more chocolate." The drunk then says, "I'll have a quart of chocolate ice cream."

The guy behind the counter is getting fed up and says, "Sir, can you spell 'van' in 'vanilla'?" The drunk says, "Yeah, V-A-N."

The guy behind the counter says, "Good. Can you spell 'straw' in 'strawberry'?" The drunk replies, "S-T-R-A-W."

The guy behind the counter says, "OK, can you spell 'f*ck' in 'chocolate'?" The drunk responds, "There is no 'f*ck' in 'chocolate'," and the guy behind the counter replies, "Sir, that's what i've been trying to tell you!"

king cola

LOL, i liked those.

 

EndlessDissent

Thanks. I had (have maybe?) a joke book with a bunch more, but i have no idea where it is right now. Those two are the only ones I remember right now. I'll look for the book tomorrow. If I find it, I'll post the funniest ones.

king cola

THE GAMBLER


During the Great Depression, there was this man who walked into a bar one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks." The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first." The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar.

Well, the bartender can't beleive what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?", asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye."

The bartender thought about it. "OK." So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. "Aw, you screwed me!" said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye" said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again". "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in leiu of the $50," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar.

Drunk as a skunk, the gambler said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're on". The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's OK. I just bet each of the guys in the card room $1000 each that I could piss all over you AND the bar and STILL make you laugh!"

Lit_Match

-The Guiness Brewery-
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

-Falling Down-
A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."

__________________
Donation links to NORML (The National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws) | MPP (Marijuana Policy Project)

PsychicVaccuum

hahaha thats nice

imported_stoner4life

LOL. You could make a few millions with that discovery

__________________
Brian: Get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Haagen-Dasz ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and we can make s'mores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Cap'n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons.
Kenny: That's it?
Thurgood Jenkins: Yeah, get me a box of condoms, and, what was that thing we used to eat back in the day? What was it... oh yeah, pussy