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**Lit_Match** · 08-31-2006, 03:08 AM

Tell 'em if you got 'em...
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. He says, "I'll have one for here and one for the road".

peace n love · 08-31-2006, 03:09 AM

two men walked into a bar, you'd think the second one would have ducked....corny

Higher Logic · 08-31-2006, 04:29 AM

12" Bic

Quote:

Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?" "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish." "Great, can I try it?" "Sure." First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie." The guy says, "I want a million bucks!" "Done" says the genie and disappears. A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door. "I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"

Jesus Christ!

Quote:

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, I'm Jesus Christ." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies, "No, son, I'm Jesus Christ." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." and walks back into the bar with the priests. The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

Mounting Animals

Quote:

A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here...where you from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender asks, "Whatchu do up in Pennsylvania?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...what the hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says, "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us."

Drinker's Troubleshooting Guide

Quote:

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Room is spinning.
Fault: Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution: Vomit on person doing the spinning.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Lap cool and wet.
Fault: Drooling on yourself.
Solution: Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hijacked.

Symptom: Bar looks like a circus.
Fault: You're at a circus.
Solution: Go to a bar.

SmasheR · 08-31-2006, 07:32 AM

A man walks into a bar.

Ouch...

JnEverett · 09-02-2006, 07:36 PM

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Jdezle21 · 09-20-2006, 09:39 AM

wow, some of those are really funny

08-31-2006, 03:08 AM	#1
Lit_Match Moderator Join Date: Dec 2003 Posts: 2,557 Grams: 23,803.93 Groans: 1 Groaned at 3 Times in 3 Posts Thanks: 144 Thanked 800 Times in 444 Posts Stock Portfolio Total Value: 0.000 Gain/Loss: 0.000%	Bar jokes.. Tell 'em if you got 'em... A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. He says, "I'll have one for here and one for the road".

08-31-2006, 07:32 AM	#4
SmasheR TONIGHT, we RIDE Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 1,804 Grams: 2,596.60 Groans: 3 Groaned at 1 Time in 1 Post Thanks: 7 Thanked 29 Times in 21 Posts Stock Portfolio Total Value: 0.000 Gain/Loss: 0.000%	A man walks into a bar. Ouch... __________________ Left the philly at home, do you have another? I wanna get blunted my brother.. My dvd collection would take a shit on your dvd collection.

09-02-2006, 07:36 PM	#5
JnEverett Jr. Activist Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 1,084 Grams: 1,911.83 Groans: 0 Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts Thanks: 0 Thanked 3 Times in 2 Posts Stock Portfolio Total Value: 0.000 Gain/Loss: 0.000%	A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle." __________________ CT Headline News l Posting Guidelines l NORML l LEAP

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08-31-2006, 03:09 AM	#2
peace n love Sr. Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1,416 Grams: 6,189.76 Groans: 5 Groaned at 3 Times in 2 Posts Thanks: 271 Thanked 116 Times in 86 Posts Stock Portfolio Total Value: 0.000 Gain/Loss: 0.000%	two men walked into a bar, you'd think the second one would have ducked....corny

09-20-2006, 09:39 AM	#6
Jdezle21 Jr. Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 470 Grams: 8,656.80 Groans: 16 Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts Thanks: 140 Thanked 38 Times in 19 Posts Stock Portfolio Total Value: 0.000 Gain/Loss: 0.000%	wow, some of those are really funny

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