halfAZN

this post was originally for a christian/atheist discussion board but im posting it here too. ignore anything unrelated. please correct me if this thread is in the wrong section but i figured i would get the best replies here.

Since i started smoking weed, i view life very differently. keep this in mind as you read through.

im going to summarize a few of my problems in life. please answer my questions.

i have always loved my mother dearly. however, she was a strong christian (most would call her extreme) and i am an agnotstic atheist. we would always have arguements about our beliefs, which im sure a lot of you atheist can relate to. i lived with her half the time because my parents were seperated. although i spent lots of time with her, i took most of that time for granted. but she was the one in my life that i felt truely comfortable talking with.

3 months ago, she died a painfully ironic and contradictory death. she was a nutritionist and probably the healthiest person ive ever known. but she was diagnosed with breast cancer about 6 months ago. after being diagnosed, she began to eat healthier than she ever ate before and she prayed and read the bible more than ever. she was determined that god would heal her. when i say determined, i mean she was completely positive she would be healed. not a single doubt in here mind. sadly, she was into the whole faith healing thing. all her friends (she had many, everybody loved her) admired her determination and 'connection' with god so they fully supported her healing attempts. all she would do for her last few months of life was keep healthy and pray. every week, she would go to a church that held healing services. there, she saw dozens get healed but she never was. seeing all the healings only encouraged her. then one day, she told me and my brother that she would have to have surgery. she cried as she told us. that was the first and only time i ever saw her cry. but she decided that she would give one last healing attempt before resorting to surgery and treatment. she made a trip down to lakeland, florida with her friends for a mass healing service where, supposedly, hundreds were healed everyday. she had always watched these healing services on the internet and her dream of going there came true.

When she returned home, she obviously wasnt healed, but she was still optimistic. then she developed a serious cough. no one expected anything serious because my brother and i had just gotten over a similar cough.

Then, one night, she lost all her energy and became seriously ill. she went to the hospital and stayed in intensive care. by morning, she was dead. it turns out she had a blood clot in her lungs which was likely caused by the combination of having a different blood chemistry due to cancer, and the hours of sitting in the plane to and from florida. in summary, she postponed medical treatment to give faith healing a shot, but the trip to the faith healing service likely caused her death. ever since her death, i have experienced several creepy coincidences involving her. although i dont believe in any sort of supernatural power, these coincidences still freak me out. one of the last things i ever said to her was, "see, the problem about miracles is that they seem to happen to everyone but yourself."

now keep in mind: i am almost 16 years old and i consider myself to be one of the smartest of my age. i do well in school and love my family and friends. the problem is, i smoke weed maybe once a week, but am not addicted (i have gone months without weed). i smoke, not for fun, but because it enhances how i think. i am more creative and i can thinkly much more deeply while high. but, when i think about my mother and her death while high, i go slightly insane. this does not stop me from smoking because i feel that its good to think this deeply about her.

my problem is: when i think about her, sober or not, i can never get genuinely sad and greeve like most do. most people notice this about me. its the same for my brother. they say that we seem to be taking the whole situation very well. the truth is, i think i am just getting worse and worse. its almost as if its still unreal to me that she is truely gone forever. i had always taken family members for granted, forgetting that they could die any day.

these are the possible conclusions i have drawn:

1. i am still not fully matured so i cant completely understand and accept death quite yet. this is unlikely, but possible. i dont know.

2. doing marijuana is impairing my ability to think deeply about her while sober and therefore i should quit. have you ever heard of this side effect before? give me your open-minded opinion.

3. i am just happy that my mother lived an extremely nice life and died quickly, living and battling cancer her way.

4. i am mature and intelligent enough just to accept and move on. unlikely.

5. my mother just began to go 'extreme' a year or 2 before she died. this is my dads conclusion. he believes that we lost her to the church a year or 2 ago when she converted and turned to hardcore christianity. he believes my brother and i dont mourn her death as much because of this. all of my dads and mothers families think she 'died' a few years ago when she devoted her ENTIRE life to 'god.'

i think i may just be experiencing grief in a different way. i have always had a strong ability to hold in pain and emotions. the facts that i smoke weed and have recently matured changed my views on life. please discuss and give your opinions on my speal, especially on the 5 points at the end. this can help me out greatly.

i cant tell if im really sad and im just hiding my emotions, or if i truely am not that sad. i think weed has a part in this. could it be that it is impairing my ability to think about her and greeve? is this common? or is it just that weed makes me happier and view life differently, and making me less sad about her?

Thanks a lot,
Dan