I know that species of delusion too well...the verbose and tactile type that whispers, slaps, grabs, and paralyses. They're the most obnoxious of all my delusions, I think. An example of a psychotic delusion? "Revelation" is a probably the most famous. But following is a more contemporary one. It is all perfectly subject to dismissal as psychobabble, but it is the best understanding of the situation I can conjure that fits the disparate jigsaw pieces of my experience, and attempts to explain my current understanding of psychosis.
I've borrowed from a multiplicity of sources to construct a working model to rationalise my experiences. A fundamental tenet of quantum physics, is that the observer and an event are indivisible, that is: what the observer chooses to look for, will shape the way that reality unfolds. The more you focus on on something, the more likely you are to find what you are looking for. Paranormal research groups seem to get best results measuring electromagnetic energy, radiated by electrons, human understanding of which is plagued by an uncertainty that they really exist at all untill we observe them. A preobservation like belief could tip the scales in favour of reality coalescing in the expected manner. Disincarnate entities seem to have a predisposition to becoming distinctly real, on the strength of fervent belief.
A paranormal research group created a fictional ghost, under the auspices of a medical professor see here:
http://www.pararesearchers.org/Ghost...icle_five.html
Philip, the ghost created, was an extroverted poltergeist. This phenomena has occurred from times immemorial, the fundamentals of the major religions are pretty psychotic, Moses, Mohammed and Jesus, all hearing voices, and talking to apparitions.
At my most lost, when I had created massive "demonic" apparitions, (like malign versions of Philip), at least two people told me (unprompted) that they had nightmares, when, and only when, I was around. The delusions have often seemed to affect other people in similarly interesting ways, telepathy perhaps? Einstein believed firmly in telepathy, which gives the idea some extra heft, to my mind. At times, if I called the demons to mind in the presence of a pet, the animal would flee the room, in one case yelping and wetting herself in terror. An impact beyond the usual conception of the limitations of the mind, but it seemed pretty bloody real, and became all consuming, and this way I'm telling you, leads to a clinical diagnosis of schizophrenia.
Milly, the dog in question, a little white maltese terrier, is not brave and fearless, she was shivering uncontrollably and wetting herself in terror, whimpering at the corner of the ceiling. My friend, her owner had never seen the like, I figured I knew what the dog was responding to, the self same apparition had been harassing me for weeks. But I didn't think it prudent to expound exactly what I thought. I am aware that my belief systems fail to match those of most people. The anonymity of the internet is quite disinhibiting, this is not a side of myself I discuss with people I interact with on a face to face basis.
This occured during a period of intense audio/hallucinatory activity in my life around June of last year. The psychosis seemed to me to be primarily precipitated by a woman I picked up hitchiking. As she got in my car, all darting eyes and firing meaningless gibberish at me, it was pretty apparent she was completely and utterly lost, deep in the grip of a psychosis. I drove her to where she wanted to go (where hard drugs are bought hereabouts), what else could I do? Coming from my perspective I wasn't going to drive her to a psych ward, or anywhere else against her will, I took her to where she wanted to go. I gave her my shoes, she had none, and didn't look capable of looking after her feet if she cut them walking around mean streets barefoot.
As I was driving home, admiring the view - (I live in a beautiful place), I heard a voice clearly ask "Will you help her?". In these moments I tend to accept these hallucinations as real, within the limits of certain parameters I'm attempting to convey. I assented, on the chance it's real enough to in some measure, relieve her suffering. As I assented, the delusions she had created, came slamming into my chest, with a force that sent me reeling in my seat. It was left to me to dispell whatever she had created, which I did with meditation. It took months and it was punishing beyond the telling of it, I inherited a really malevolent nasty cacophany of voices. A psychosis within a psychosis, really leaves no room for boredom.
Was your experience psychotic? Not if youre happy with the belief it's adream. You would only be vulnerable to conjuring a fearful delusion if you do, on some level, harbour fears of similar magnitude. Casketfour has mentioned in another thread, that deeply distressing psychoses appear concommitant with psychological distress and unresolved internal conflict, believe it because it's true. Given your posts, you are obviously capable of objective analysis, which is I think the only effective way of healing whatever psychological unrest is fuelling negatively oriented delusions like throat grabbing nightime visitations. Lucky if you can retain the ability to focus outside the subjective experience, and question it, not a common feature of the delusional, that. It took me a long while to get the hang of. Seeking within your mind for the reasons you lack peace of mind, and seeking a resolution to these conflicts, will resolve the worst of it. Then the delusions become more benificent and manageable. Hell, even enjoyable. You will probably need help fixing your head, but a counsellor or psychologist can only help if you yourself really want to heal the rifts that create the fear that drives a persecutory mental creation like this. Antipsychotic medication is sledgehammer - effective, but it's lacking all subtlety in unpleasant side effects, a method of last resort only.
What is real and what is not - in some areas, the line is very very blurry, it really depends on who you are talking to. A host of venerable figures eg Arthur Conan Doyle and Joan of Arc swear disincarnate beings communicated with them.
I would have quite liked some alien visitation delusions, in this infinite universe, I can't believe we are the only residents who've mastered space travel, the belief is there, but alas I never have met an alien, quite disappointing really, mere belief it seems is not adequate to the task with flesh and blood aliens, I'm limited to barely incarnate paranormal manifestations. My experiences reek of religious archetypes, demons angels and spirits of the dead. Most religious doctrines seem to me to be sinister psychotic delusions in themselves, no small wonder there's so many common features. Psychotics the world over seem to find solace in spiritual archetypes (from Charles Manson on up). I was an atheist prior to becoming a nutter, but I have found a spiritual approach the only efficacious method (for me) of managing psychoses. Personally I find the Buddhist meditation techniques most effective, I'm of the notion that I have to bring peace to these tortured creations of tormented minds. What I visualise has a direct effect on this entity (or delusion, if you will) it dispells it or feeds it. The mental control of meditation, to quiet the mind and discipline its wanderings somewhat, is essential. If you seek peace of mind, and actively make a genuine effort to pursue this course, it seems to me it restores psychological equilibrium.
Anyway above is propounded my current best-fit model of psychosis, it is patchy, inconsistent, and arguably merely a detailed delusion, but it does seem most conducive to a functional and happy life for me at the moment. In the case I have outlined above I never saw the crazy hitchhiker girl again, however, many cases I have been able to follow up, have served to reinforce my delusion that somehow this working model, seems to have some basis in reality, although it may be a purely subjective reality that doesn't neccessarily intersect with anyone else's.
Scooping someone's anomalous reality from their mind, and meditatively collapsing it's quantum wave functions. Some spin on the concept of telepathy. I suspect despite Einstein's belief in the soundness of the premise of telepathy, he'd still suggest psychiatric evaluation, he could never countenance the idea of quantum. My interpretion is that of a certified mental case, I'm open to the possibility it's utterly devoid of any semblence of reality. Noone can claim to have plumbed the the fundament of reality, however, the deeper you look the murkier it appears. I have some theoretical tributaries that neatly tie in hyperspace and string theory too, (another post, another day perhaps). I think of psychoses as my unsolved koan, although I am not a buddhist, I've adopted a few of their ideas into the model, real buddhists tend to gently suggest psychiatric treatment.
If you're confident that the entity in the night grabbing at your throat, is reality, you should be very wary of psychoactive substances, including marijuana, there is plenty of medical evidence to indicate it's potential to precipitate major uncontrolled psychoses, if you notice a correlation between smoking and negative psychological blowouts, stop smoking immediately. It works really well for a very few people though - makes me spend hours idly tying my mind in knots, which I really enjoy, so it does my head and heart good. Sometimes I think it increases the frequency of mind melting, but reduces the severity, a pressure valve. The majority of blowouts serious enough to incapacitate my ability to function, have mostly occurred during extended periods of nonsmoking.
Psychoses like this offer a choice: to either believe it is real, or to believe it is a creation of the mind. It is more manageable if you believe it is a product of your own mind, you have a modicum of control that way. I can't shake the belief it's real though, and so have accomodated for this within my belief structure also. By definition, being unable to differentiate between delusion and reality is psychotic, and to accept psychosis as products of the mind, is proof positive of sanity. It's a toss up really. I do prefer the term psychosis, to delusion, more of a ring to it. Hell I feel the need to apologise for this meandering post, I have the bloggiest early pick Sativa, and Yuri, you did ask.
Marijuana
04-04-2005, 04:32 PM
...pleasant dreams 
Linear Mode
