Daz

When I dont get marijuana I start to go insane, I'm not talking about your run of the mill ordinary anger/anxiety insane and I'm not talking about getting angry over a day or so without weed. This is a very long and very strange story so please stick with me.

The Good effects while stoned, Background Information:

I started smoking weed about 6 years ago, at the age of 15, I started to notice weed gave me an extra-ordinary ability to "think on my feet" in such a way that I could literally captivate people, through telling jokes, telling views on life or even just general talking. Whist stoned I find that weed gives me the ability to excell in social situations, whilst keeping maximum respect for those around me, ensuring all others get their turn to talk. I've had people come up to me whilst I'm stoned and have them tell me I'm one of the most amazing people they've ever met and over the years my skills have always improved in this area.

I dont want to sound like I'm tugging at my rope or anything, but being told something like that on multiple occasions makes you feel pretty good about youself.

Whilst stoned I have the ability to be logical, precise and perceptive of the things going on around me, I also have the ability the "retrieve" information in my head faster and after reading a few basic books in the psychological area I found that I was capable of accuratly pinpointing the emotions and thoughts of people around me, gaining me insight as to what is the most "correct" thing to say to benefit the situation.

I decided to quit smoking (cigarettes) on maijuana, I decided to look after my health one day when I was stoned and I started to exercise, I also decided to get a job (which unfortunatly I lost for being stoned at work, even though I was the fastest worker).

The Bad, Non stoned behavior:

A few days without weed is no problem, a week or 2 and I'm fine, but 6-8 weeks without weed and I start to go insane. At one point where I must have come to around 10 weeks without marijuana I joined a right-wing extreemist neo-nazi and Satanist groups for a number of months and kept in contact with a number of UFO cults (yea, that insane), until I bumped into someone smokeing a joint outside a club one night, I asked him if I could have a puff, and I did. Then it started to come back, my sanity that is, and I realised who I was, so I went and bought some weed, sat down, had a smoke and decided what I wanted to do with my life and pretty quickly I dumped the whole nazi ideology and I started to improve my life again. ( Just as I have the ability to analyse every word and action of those around me whilst stoned, I also have the ability to psycho-analyse myself and my own actions effectively. ) Quickly things returned to normal and where on the rise, with the occasional smoke of weed I was doing better things for myself, mainly focusing on improving the tangled mental state I had weaved for myself and futher improving my social techniques, by dwelling into the realm of psychology.

Then I started working out and exercising, I cut down to less than 2 cigarettes a day and I eventuly got a job as a factory (tablehand/boxpacker), not all that exciting really, but I've never been one for the materialistic pleasures, knowledge and art is far more important to me. That job went well for a time and I was a good worker, however I lost that job because I smelt like weed (yes i was stoned at the time).

However after loosing my job whilst sitting home alone, dwelling deep into my mind like some psycho-analysing trip I decided that becomming "dependant on weed" is not really a good thing and that I should give up weed, I felt that my previous problems when quiting weed may be to do with ill-health and lack of self disciplin. So I stopped smoking weed, started exercising, and started to make plans for a part-time military career. and for a time, it was good.

However as time went by without weed, my determination and drive started to drop, I slowing started to smoke cigarettes again, my value of life itself started to drop, though my friends still liked me, I started to hate them. I eventuly dropped my plans for joining the military because I felt that my art wasn't up to a decent standard and all my drive and determination dripped away. My self-psycho-analitical thought started to be replaced by sleeping all day and thoughts of trying to justify suicide to myself, eventuly the only thing standing between me and a well thought out method of suicide was that I thought I might aswell smoke some weed for one last time and so I went to my friends house (yesterday) after 12 weeks without weed and smoked some weed, and It all came back to me, life, the ability to rationilse, percieve what is going on around me and the reasons as to why I should quit smoking cigarettes. I even did a sketch which made me feel proud.

So it looks like the answer is that i should continue to smoke weed, after all its doing me alot of good and I wasn't really that mentally stable prior to weed.

But my question is WHY?, why is weed showing good things for me, why has it time and time again saved me? Rescued me even from incredibly stupid decisions and given me the ability to think incredible thoughts?
Does this mean I am destined to smoke weed for the rest of my life?
Its as if weed seems to be cureing me even from some sort of schizophenia or depression, or at least treating it, in fact, each time I smoke weed I never really seem to go back to being as bad as I was in the previous lapse without it?