mrpotty

Hi.

Before I get to my main point, let me just re-introduce myself, since I haven't looked at these boards in a looong time. My name's Will, I'm 23, been smoking on and off for 6 or 7 years now (had periods of almost daily use for a couple years, followed by basically no use for a couple years).

Anyway, the topic I want to discuss: I've had problems with anxiety and feelings of depersonalization for years. Last September, after a particularly rough summer, I found myself in the ER after an episode of extreme depersonalization which led to a full-blown panic attack (no cannabis was involved, and it was far far worse than any panic from pot). One of the reasons I actually stopped smoking for a long time was that it would often exacerbate this problem. In fact, I've had dissociated, depersonalized feelings since I was a young kid, but I never had a full-on, heart pounding, I think I'm gonna lose control of myself or maybe die panic attack until I started smoking.

I think the best description of the feelings I would get is this (taken from the DSM IV):

" a feeling of detachment or estrangement from one's self . The individual may feel like an automaton or as if he or she is living in a dream or a movie. There may be a sensation of being an outside observer of one's metal processes, one's body, or parts of one's body."

More info about this can be found at: http://www.depersonalization.info/overview.html

Here are a couple of excerpts:

"One key phrase in the disorder's DSM-IV definition is: reality testing remains intact, Janiger adds. While a degree of depersonalization may be present in other illnesses, like schizophrenia, this is not a psychotic condition. The person knows that something is terribly wrong, and grapples with trying to figure out what it is. If anything, it's the opposite of insanity. It's like being too sane. You become hypervigilant of your existence and things around you.

Indeed, chronic depersonalization often includes a sensation of overconsciousness wherein each thought seems too apparent, or too loud, like the volume of a low-playing radio suddenly turned up to its maximum according to one sufferer.

Signs of depersonalization can occur with many illnesses, however isn't clear why the condition persists in some people. Chronically depersonalized persons (or D-People as they're often called) are usually highly intelligent, and prone to intellectual ruminating. Onset is most often seen at an early age, from around puberty to the late twenties. There has been evidence of links in some cases to early childhood trauma, Temporal Lobe Epilepsy, stress resulting from life threatening situations, and Migraine. Evidence has also suggested that it afflicts females to a greater degree than males."

"This one young person's account is typical of the feelings of unreality laced with intermittent panic that often besets sufferers in the earliest stages whether drug-induced or not:

... three times after I've smoked pot I've had a disabling depersonalization from it. Again, it's the same numbness, then far away, unable to control my body, time feels like it's flashing like movie stills, cannot tell what is happening, even what I am thinking, sound is far away, cannot speak. Think it is near death as one could get. Also one time it happened to me after half a beer (didn't feel at all intoxicated) and the ambulance came and got me. Some lady was sitting over me saying something about Jesus, which only made the fear stronger.

The terror is inexplicable. In between attacks I experience feelings of unreality, sometimes lasting days. I deal with agoraphobia and panic, dread of dying. Sometimes just feel it is hard to move around. Like I will become disoriented and fall over (which really happens during my serious attacks). I avoid people, since they make me feel strange, especially if they are too close. Being in a store can make me feel strange too. "

I notice that site makes several references to cannabis inducing depersonalization. What is everyone's thoughts on this? The site didn't seem to have some sort of blatant anti-pot bias, I know pot is way too often vilified, so try to be objective in your opinions if possible

Anyway, I have sought help after my ER episode. 2 incompetent docs tried to put me on SSRI's (one zoloft, another paxil, didn't warn me at all about side effects) and they didn't even refer me to a therapist when I asked.

Finally I found a doctor who put me on Klonopin (.5 mg 2x a day) and referred me to a Rational-Emotive Therapist that I saw a few times.(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rationa...havior_therapy).

The Klonopin has been a great help, I even enjoy smoking once in awhile because I'm freed of some of the bad feelings I used to have. However, being on this drug has caused it's own set of problems. At this point (been on it since September) I don't feel "normal" without it, and I am basically dreading quitting. I'm afraid of all my old problems resurfacing.

Sorry if I'm rambling. Just wanted to share my experiences with you, and see if others have gotten these same feelings. It would happen to me all the time, seemingly out of nowhere.

btw: I did read the panic attack sticky, has some very good info & advice.