Hensonic_Boom

hey all, i have a question, but first i'll give y'all a run-down of what's going on.

a couple of years ago, i found these lumps in my neck that were hard so we went to the doctor to get them checked out. the doctor thought they were my lymphnodes but lymphnodes aren't supposed to be swollen and hard like that unless you're sick (which i wasn't). so after multiple bloodworks and the like, he thought they might be my corroded arteries (which shouldn't be hard either). he told me to wait a while and see if they go down but they didn't so he opted for a biopsy. we scheduled me to go in for surgery, but around the same time i had been talking to/contemplating having some cosmetic surgery done, so this was a good excuse to have both of the surgeries done at the same time to get around insurance. so i have the surgeries and the lymphnodes come back benign, but the other surgery was done on my nose to straighten the bridge and fix my deviated septum. all goes well, but i didn't like the result from the cosmetic stuff done to my nose. i had to wait a year for the swelling to go down before any changes can be made. a year goes by and i'm scheduled to go back in for the "touch ups".

since this second surgery was nothing major, i had it done at the plastic surgeon's office building rather than a hospital to avoid the costs of an anesthesiologist and hospital stay, etc. (note: i'm horrible when it comes to needles and blood. i get really faint and pale like i'm going to pass out. in fact i did pass out in the 9th grade from watching a video about blood transfusions, but that's another story). so i go in to have this done and tell him i have a hard time handling that stuff; maybe he could give me some nitrous or whatever to calm me down before the 20 or so injections he has to give my nose to numb it. he didn't have gas, but he swabbed 4 really long q-tips with medical grade cocaine (sorry mods, but it's an anesthetic in this case) which he shoved up my nose and let them sit in my nasal cavity for a while until i stopped freaking out. during the whole time, i'm awake and looking around which was unnerving for me, but i managed. the worst part was when he had to seperate my skin from the cartilage (sp?) under my nose with this tool. i could hear it rip away. talk about the most uncanny feeling; the tools he used basically "shaved" the cartilage the way he wanted it to look and having to hear that grinding noise echo throughout my skull wasn't fun.

anyway, surgery #2 is done and after the swelling goes down, i wish i would have stayed with nose #2 (#1 being my original). we go back in a few months later for him to look it over and he agrees with me that a couple things could be fixed (again). i hate the fact that i'm having a 3rd surgery done because it seems like i'm obsessed with vanity or something, or like i have to look better than other people, like it's a lost cause. but i don't think anyone can understand the depression that comes with having to live with a permanent change made to your face unless they go through the experience for themself. i was really unhappy (and still am) with how i look now. i know nobody can tell a difference but i have to see it in the mirror everyday and it's a constant reminder. so i'm going to have it fixed hopefully for the last time. if there's a fourth surgery i'm going to be pissed.

so my question is this...since i began smoking after the last surgery, i'm wondering if smoking a little bit before i go in might help calm me down. it was such a horrible experience, but being happy with myself outweighs that so i'm willing to go through with it again, except this time he's going to have to take cartilage out of my ear to use on the nose. i don't want to have a panic attack in the middle of surgery from smoking because i'm going to be awake for this one as well. have any of you ever smoked before surgery? i'm guessing a lot of you will say, "don't smoke, just grin and bear it..." but i'm curious anyway.

this doctor is the best plastic surgeon in our region. a lot of people from new york and the west coast fly in to have him do stuff for them, so i trust his skill. he said sometimes it happens when you have to go back for these little touch-up visits, so hopefully this will be my last. i just wish it was all over with. sorry about the length of this and some of the gory details. don't let that turn you away from cosmetic surgery if you ever want it done.

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Today, I realized that all matter is just energy condensed to a slow vibration - that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death; life is only a dream... we are the imagination of ourselves.