Going solo is great for celebratory occasions or after a rough day at work, but most of the time it’s hard to get less than four or five heads on a blunt. But number of heads isn’t the real concern, so long as everyone in on your L brings something to the rotation. Other than the traditional five bills, of course.
So to avoid further blunt force drama, here’s a formula for the ideal rotation.
#1 THE THINKER
The Thinker is pivotal to any respectable rotation. Like a point guard, The Thinker’s role is to facilitate conversation, especially once you’ve crossed the Rubicon and everyone is too toasted to function. The Thinker never runs out of ideas, has always seen an interesting documentary on Discovery, and knows the nearest 24-hour drive thru. Consider Steve Jobbs, who pulled on a bong at least long enough to realize college was for suckers, dropped out and got the ball rolling on being the most innovative thinker of his generation. Imagine passing it to Jobbs while getting the lowdown on the iPhone twenty years before its release. I’d take Carl Sagan every time though. Check out his take on the Drake equation and how humans might become a spacefaring people. Nothing beats talking space when you’re stoned, and according to his daughter, Carl “was the biggest pot smoker in the world.” Sadly, both have passed on. IDEAL THINKER: You could get Joe Rogan in on this blunt but you know he’d go off about DMT and hyperbolic dream chambers for 50 minutes.
#2 THE COMEDIAN
Perhaps even more crucial is The Comedian. Laughs aren’t exactly hard to come by in a blunt rotation, but lacking a veteran Comedian can strand you in some dark, abstract conversations. Now, some people might enjoy BIG laughs when they’re stoned (Ralphie May burned four ounces a week in his prime), but I’ve always been one for subtly. Give me Bill Murray in a red-knitted wool cap (Zissou style) and I’m happy. Murray’s turn as Karl the gardener in “Caddy Shack” gave us this epic MJ
“This is a cross between Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent and Northern California Sinsimilla. The amazing thing about this stuff is you can play holes on it in the afternoon, take it home, and just get stoned to the bejeezus at night on this stuff. I’ve got pounds of this stuff.”
Meanwhile in reality, Murray was charged by his wife during their divorce as being “addicted to marijuana.” I’ve never met a marijuana addict before but I bet they take their rotation roles pretty seriously. IDEAL COMEDIAN: Bill Murray
#3 THE HOT CHICK
I’m not even being sexist (ladies, I got you next). I’m definitely not trying to promote Rob Schneider. The ideal Hot Chick is a versatile player, serving double duty somewhere and thus reducing heads in rotation. There is no shortage of Hollywood starlets who are down. Charlize Theron blazes out of apples, which means she’s not just breathtakingly sexy, but also resourceful. I’m not trying to risk any “Prometheus” spoilers though. Next. Natalie Portman has a degree from Harvard, but claims her pot-smoking days are behind her. You know McBride and Franco fixed that on the set of “Your Highness.”
But Kirsten Dunst takes the cake. Not only does Kirsten believe weed would make the world a better place, she’s best friends with Carl Sagan’s daughter! What! Kirsten and Sasha Sagan blaze on the reg, which means Kirsten knows the Sagan family secrets, aka secrets of the universe. The ideal Hot Chick comes up in the clutch. IDEAL HOT CHICK/THINKER: Kirsten Dunst
#4 COOLEST GUY AT THE PARTY
Not only do the ladies deserve a handsome mug to check out, but having the coolest guy at the party in the corner of your rotation pays huge dividends. Picture James Franco in vintage Aviators, Desario-style leather jacket, pulling on a Dutch. “Sorry ladies, rotation is closed, but why don’t you go hold the pong table for us?” Wow, thanks James!
Obama is obviously the coolest guy at any party and would yield ultimate credibility. Remember when he laid down that slick line “I inhaled frequently, that was the point” way back when? But lately Obama has been hating. As recently as this month the President forced 25 dispensaries in Colorado to shut down despite the stores being okayed at the state level. Not cool.
So let’s go with Woody Harrelson. Not only is Harrelson cool, funny and the owner of a beautiful plot of land in Costa Rica where he frequently goes to smoke, but his love of marijuana started when he began lobbying on behalf of the hemp industry in order to curb the 6000+ acres of trees brought down annually by the timber industry. Woody is now an outspoken advocate of herb and is “happiest in the rainforest.” I can’t really think of a better local for this rotation than Woody Harrelson’s Costa Rican rainforest suite. IDEAL COOL GUY: Woody Harrelson
The Wildcard brings it all together, or breaks it all apart. You never know. The Wildcard is bringing your cousin from out of state in with your regulars. It’s allowing the semi-sketchy dealer to linger. It’s someone who might be a jack of all trades, a one man dream team, or he might be one of those slobbering amateurs who sits on the blunt because he’s lost in the TV. “Seinfeld” has been in syndication for more than a decade, focus bro.
Think. I mean, the guy could be an absolute blast to blaze with. I’m sure he’s got a couple cool stories from Beijing, and he emphatically puts to rest the stereotype of stoners being lazy, but how powerful are those lungs!? This guy might disband the rotation in one hit. Is it a risk you’re willing to take? How about Conan O’Brien, who’s not just funny but funny looking. That red hair glows when you’re stoned. But which Conan are you getting? The “Late Night” Conan, who was there for you when you got home fried at 130 in the morning? Or TBS Conan, who’s not even trying, who you can’t help but associate with Tyler Perry’s “House of Payne”?
Every musician is a Wildcard. Snoop Dogg, Dylan, Ringo Starr. They are generally cool, introspective, funny people, but careful they don’t grab a guitar. This is a rotation, not MTV Unplugged, no acoustic guitars in the circle! IDEAL WILDCARD: Dave Chappelle. Dave has you covered at the #1, #2 and #4 spots, a true swingman. His roles in “Half Baked,” “Screwed” and “The Chappelle Show” have earned him an iconic spot in the canon of legendary smokers. But if you’re not looking he might jack your bag and hightail it to Africa. Wildcard bitches!
There you have it. I’m going to go roll one up right now and see if I can get Bill, Kirsten, Woody and Dave in on it. I’m sure you can do better though, so get at me. Who’s in your dream team rotation?