Mishiro

These are excerpt from some fake interviews I wrote circa spring 2002. They are only exerpts because they might otherwise bore you with their length.


DC: ...I see. So, when did you decide that you wanted to be a filmmaker?

BD: It was very early, probably around 4:30AM. I was finishing up the editing for my sixteenth film, Love and Loving. The final episode of my autobiographical trilogy, it was the sequel to Life and Living, which was the prequel to Death and Dying, which I never finished.

DC: Ah yes, Love and Loving, that was a great film. Very, very sexy. It explored sexual fantasy like no other film since Growing Up and What To Do With IT, from Random House. What is your most favorite fantasy?

BD: I've always wished I could be seduced by my coroner, my attractive female coroner. Ever since I was a kid. I plan to eventually make a film about it with such possible titles as The Lucky Cadaver, The Lonely Coroner, or 'til Death Do We Start. I was going to make it this year, but then a lot of people suddenly started accusing their former coroners of sex abuse and now there's a bunch of hubbub, so I'll have to wait until it's not such a sensitive subject. So now I'm working on a suspenseful romantic sci-fi action comedy about a priest who develops an affair with a menorah that he accidentally stole from his rabbi's lawyer. The rabbi wants to press charges against the priest for eight counts, excuse me, nine counts of theft and fornication of an incoherent religious object. But here's what makes the story interesting: one of the priests nine daughters, the big one, has become pregnant from the rabbi and his lawyer, but they don't know it until it's too late. And then something happens that will put your brain on iceskates: the rabbi starts an affair with a visiting ayatollah after giving him a federally offensive baptism. But the ayatollah was only using the rabbi to get to the rabbi's lawyer's menorah, which is in the possession of the priest who circumcised the rabbi's parents- the baptism was illegitimate! The film will be called Explora Menorah. Production is going smoothly.
----
DC: Have [your parents] seen any of your films?

BD: They saw my first film sometime in the 60s which was a comical semi-documentary about a certain consumer advocate who was mixing things up in Washington. The film was called Ralph the Nad. I struggled trying to come up with a good title. First it was Ralph Nadder, and then The Mad Nadder. ... Then it was Ralph the Mad. But I just couldn't resist changing Mad to Nad.
----
DC: Your comeback film was the highly popular and controversial The Bible: God's Really Really Long Threat Letter To Me. Any connection?

BD: Yes, During my seclusion I started reading the Bible for comfort, but what I found was that it was just a very long, thorough threat letter from God. I mean, he tells you what to do and he tells you examples of what happened to other people who didn't do what he said. Then he tells you what will happen if you don't obey. So, just like I did with other threat letters, I cooperated. First I got a circumcision, which was painful. Then after reading more I discovered that it wasn't necessary. Next I got baptized, and that was much easier to deal with. I told the person doing it to hold me under as long as he could without killing me, hoping to absorb as much holiness as possible. Unfortunately, I made a similar request to the person giving me the circumcision, and I'm a lesser man now because of it.
----

DC: Is it true that you have a son?

SS: I think so, but you never know.

DC: What do you mean?

SS: Well, thirty years ago my future son came to me from a time machine that he had built. Such brilliance. He told me that he wished he was more attractive and requested that I don't progenize with the particular lady that I was actually about to progenize with. Then he vanished quickly, I assume back to the future. As a good father, I granted his request. He's supposed to be alive and in his late twenties right now. I suspect he's an eccentric in seclusion, resulting from his inherited brilliance.

DC: Do you miss him?

SS: No, he wasn't attractive.
----
DC: Have you ever killed a person?

SS: Yes.

DC: Who?

SS: I just realized, my son, transtemporally.

DC: Okay, that is not a word, but are you sad?

SS: No, he wasn't attractive.
----
DC: Okay, your worst, I mean, first fictional work was Korangutan: Muslim Monkey. What inspired you to write such blasphemous literature?

SS: The Koran.

DC: I see. That reminds me, I read your book, The Bible, Remixed by Sam Smartley. I was expecting some clever satire, but the only difference between your version and the original is that yours is missing Revelation 22:19. I don't get it.

SS: Read Revelation 22:19 in the original version, then you will get it.
----
DC: Why does your voice sound so gay?

SS: Oh, I can explain that. I picked it up from my fathers.

DC: What do you hate?

SS: Chopsticks and people who use them.
----
DC: Do you use any illegal drugs or have you ever experimented with them?

SS: I guess so. Whenever I see mushrooms in my lawn, I eat them just to see if they work.

DC: Have they ever worked?

SS: Not since my cow died.

DC: Why would that be?

SS: Malnourishment.
----
DC: The majority of my questions will be of a philosophical nature.

C: Oh, goody.

DC: For years I have been tossing and turning in bed about the Clintonian Conundrum. What is 'is'?

C: What is is.

DC: Excuse me?

C: 'is' is is.

DC: Oh, so what is is and 'is' is is, so 'is' is.

C: Now you're getting it! And notice the side effect. The word 'is' suddenly seems like gibberish. Such is the Clintonian Conundrum.

DC: That reminds me of the Bushian Conundrum.

C: Yes,they're both basically just different ways of coming to the same conclusion. But the Bushian Conundrum was only recently conceived, in Florida.

DC: Are you a registered sex offender?

C: No, not registered.

DC: Is it true that you eat dog?

C: No, I have never eaten a dog.

DC: But have you eaten any part of any dog at any time?

C: Not in excessive quantities.

DC: Have you ever killed a man?

C: A man? No, definitely not. Now, let's be a little more conservative with the personals, okay?

DC: Of course. What is a 'pseudo-emphatic phantasy'? And why is phantasy spelled with a ph instead of an f?

C: Think about it By coining the term with ph instead of f, I have just caused you to make a pseudo-emphatic observation. You emphatically observe the interesting spelling while the real issue is the definition of the whole term.

DC: What does it mean?

C: Nothing. It's a fantasy. There is absolutely no meaning other than itself.

DC: Sheer brilliance! That is very, very unprecedented.

C: Yeppers.
----
DC: I've heard rumors that your last name is Baldwin. Are you a lost Baldwin brother?

C: It's possible. After all, I did lose my last name. But I hope I'm not a Baldwin. That would make me a democrat and my partisan affiliation would cause me to lose my philosopher's license.

DC: God forbid!

C: God forbid.


Just imagine the length without the edits.

__________________
I see you