macphearsome

jealousy is a powerful fucking emotion

i went out with some friends tonight just to have a good time. first week of school, felt like there would be some action. now i'm not some kind of player; i don't go to the bars looking for one-night stands. i'm not that asshole with too much fucking jewellery and gel in my hair or a hat on backwards. i'm just a guy who puts on what he's got and goes for it. i'd prefer to just have a good time, meet some people, dance, and then go home. i'm comfortable admitting that i'm still a virgin at 22. sex isn't that important to me.

so i go out to the club (ok it was a cowboy bar but it wasn't my choice of venue i tell you what)

i didn't count on her being there. i fooled around with her a little bit last year. she just sort of ended up in my lap at a party and it went from there. i know what you're thinking... if she's easy with one guy she'll be easy with other guys. it's obvious, i know.

anyways, we never really got that far last year. she stopped me a base or two short of a home run, if you know what i mean. i didn't really mind. i normally take things a lot slower. in fact i felt like a bit of an ass for even "going for it" that night. i was sort of relieved when she shot me down cause it made things a lot simpler.

i'm starting to digress now, but she's sort of the topic of the thread so whatever. she sort of toyed with me last year. i got a lot of text messages; and then i ended up at her place again a week or two later but she was soused and i was sober as a judge so i took off. i didn't really feel like being that guy. i often look back at that night and wish i'd just stayed, sleezy as it sounds. after that night the texts petered off and i didn't really see her again for a few months.

when the text messages stopped coming and she didn't answer my calls, i took a slide. almost failed a few classes. to be honest i had some bigger issues going on and i've spent a lot of energy and time trying to sort them out. i guess i have some anxiety in my life. i'm getting better about it and i know that everything comes with time.

so tonight, i saw her at the bar, and figured it would be like old times. she's my floor neighbour and i've already spent some time with her. she comes over to my room when she's bored. always touchy-feely. i usually get a hug whenever she walks by me. sometimes she feels my arms and comments on my muscles. i've been to the gym a lot. she's like that with most guys. i know what you're thinking, and you're right. what the fuck am i doing.

so basically tonight i got to watch her get closer and closer and closer to some new guy. i asked her to dance and she said "after a drink." i approached her on the dance floor maybe once or twice the whole night. nothing desperate, just wanted to dance for a song or two. she always sidled away. or sometimes some asshole in a cowboy hat would dosey-do in between us and then we'd be separated. either way she didn't seem interested in anybody except this new guy. he lives in our building. i couldn't help but watch every move. the way she turned every dance into a slow dance and smiled at him. that was me a year ago. you think i'd have gotten over this, and i thought i had, but here we go again.

i took a cab home and listened to my drunk friend complain about "striking out" and giving me his condolences. I wasn't interested in what he had to say. to be honest i was pretty fucking sour. it wasn't about striking out. i'm a pretty sensitive guy and for some reason everything about tonight hurt pretty bad

i don't need advice cause i'm pretty sure it's obvious that i'm wasting my time. but this year is going to be hard considering this girl is my neighbour and also my RA (I live in dorms; the RA is the person who unlocks your door when you're drunk and lost your keys, or tells you to turn down your music)

thanks for listening tho

__________________
"What if I want more than the pale facsimile of fulfillment brought by a parade of ever-fancier toys? To spend my life restlessly producing instead of sedately consuming? Is there an app for that?" - xkcd

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