macphearsome

Well, it was a long time coming but I definitely had to stop and take a look at my life before it spiraled out of control again.

This isn't about marijuana, really, it's about my habits and who I am.

I have a very up-and-down life. Sometimes I am a very effective person, and I accomplish a lot of things in a day. When I'm on a roll, I can really get a lot of stuff done. Usually I use mary jane as a reward at the end of the day when I've accomplished a lot.

Sometimes, though, something will trip me up. One day I'll be steaming along, writing papers, doing research, and the next day I will be staring at the wall doing nothing. I've been in one of those funks for a while. I've been taking summer classes and I have allowed myself to become a useless sack of shit. Every day that I came home last month, I'd go to my deck and smoke a big bowl of hash, and then the rest of the day would be a write-off. Just completely useless. I would pace back and forth in my apartment, my mind racing about nothing, I'd eat food as a distraction, I'd go on the computer as a distraction, and I would get no exercise in my mind or body. At 4 or 5 in the morning, after jerking it to porn for the fifth time of the night, I'd eventually go to bed and then sleep through my morning class.

Three days ago, I finally put down the pipe. I was smoking 3 times a day and to be honest I wasn't even enjoying it at all anymore. I don't really like smoking so much as I enjoy the idea of smoking. My lungs hurt, I cough, and then I'm light-headed. Not very much fun.

Classes are over now. I have a history paper to write today, and it's definitely not going to be in on time. I have a final exam on monday, and at this point I'm beyond caring. I know I will pass both of my courses (In fact, I'm probably going to get an A in history).

I am in Kelowna for the summer, which some of you might be familiar with. Basically it's a lake-town and it's got gorgeous summers. How can I spend this summer smoking pot on my deck and being unable to have normal conversations with people? I had a friend over the other day and I could barely talk to her, other than by apologizing for being so stoned. What kind of social life is that? It doesn't help that I'm normally fairly shy (and generally unsuccessful) with girls despite being fairly good looking and smart. If I spend a summer smoking pot on my deck, being too reclusive to hit the beach, I don't think I could ever live with that.

I'm feeling very good about life right now, though. For two months, july and august, I will be taking a break from work and school. I have a part-time job that I enjoy, as a research assistant for the university. I'm working with one of my professors on a book that he's writing, about free trade and Canada. I really want to be able to enjoy my work, and I want to be able to enjoy my free time (at 20 hours a week of work, I will have plenty of free time).

So anyways, I'm three days into my break and I feel great. I've been going outside, I've been going swimming, I've been going to movies. I'm going to the library today to work on that freaking paper, and then tomorrow I will be studying micro-economics (even though life is too short to study microeconomics).

Marijuana is fun, and it affects everybody differently. I know I will pick up my habit again (but hopefully with a vaporizer) but for now I am going to enjoy having a clear head and some of my enthusiasm for life back.

__________________
"What if I want more than the pale facsimile of fulfillment brought by a parade of ever-fancier toys? To spend my life restlessly producing instead of sedately consuming? Is there an app for that?" - xkcd

Dino image from www.qwantz.com