Nickkers420

OK... heres my problem. I have a girlfriend who I have been goin out with for 9 months now and at the beginning she was very anti drug. If she had known I smoked weed then, she wouldnt have gone out with me. Any way I hadnt been smoking for a while (i got busted, but thats another story). And I had talked to her about it, and brought her down from her anti-drug-ness. So I end up smokeing with some friends and she gets very pissed... very. She tells me how much it hurts her, and I don't understand it, but because I love her, I stop... Then after complaining for months I get her to try it, and this last month has been sweet... we smoke a bunch. Then yesterday, she is like "I'm quiting, it's effecting my health, at crew(rowing) sunday I couldnt stop coughing". So I said "Ok". Then she said "...and I dont want you doing it either, because it hurts me when you do it." The problem here is, that I can stand up to her, and say no, and have before. But it truely seems to hurt her, and I cant stand or understand it. So as it is, I'm not smoking and she is controling me. But I cant stand to see her hurting, so I really have no options. And by the way, my girlfriend's home life is ****ed up. Her mom beats her, tells her she's not worthy of her love, and even though it hurts me when that kinda stuff happens, she doesnt do anything to change it, thats my one card... She always expects me to change myself for the better (I already gave up alcohol for her) when she wont even talk to her priest or anything and try to sort out her own stuff. But the problem is this, since she has all this hardship in her life I really can't bear to hurt her more. What should I do................................?

~Nickkers420

P.S. I'm not gonna leave her or anything... so thats not really an option.

RIP JMorrison

DO SOMETHING ABOUT HER MOM BEATING HER!
FOCK THE SMOKING WEED PART!

And now for the weed part.

Say to her, it helps you cope with the problems you have in life and it makes you happy and it doesn't hurt you (Only if this is what you feel & why you do it), then show here the myths section on here and/or the Norml.org site. But then tell her that you don't want to hurt her. See what she says and then if it's still a "No."

Then get back to me about what she said, and I will try to help you some more. Sorry to hear about this man, what a bummer.

__________________
There are things known and there are things unknown and in between are the Doors - Jim Morrison

9-11-01

like2gethighz

I think she is just controlling your for some feeling of power (which makes sense if shes gettin beat by her parents)...I don't see why else shed make a big deal about it.. tell her its what you wanna do and that you don't wanna hurt her but that it hurts you when she disrepects your decisions which can only effect you..

Jack_Torrance

there may have been some basis for her disapproving of something which she thought was bad but had never tried it, but now that she has tried it and knows its not bad she is just being controlling, becasue she wants you to stop an activity which she seems to enjoy as well, but since she cares more about rowing she doesn't want you to have iteither. try eating herb with her (won't make her cough) and see if it is really the herb she is against this time, or just the fact that she doesn't want you having something she can't have at the same time.

Nickkers420

wow, thanks for all the quick replies! I just talked to her on the phone and we scratched out a deal, I tell her what I'm gonna do, and she'll deal with it. Just so I dont blind side her with the fact that I got stoned of my ass last night, or whatnot. The only stipulation is that I know that she doesnt want me doin it, and that i feel guilty about it. Well, I'm down for that! This should work out nicely.

She also doesn't want me to go out... like to parties. Recently it was discovered that a house down the street from her is like a big drug dealing place, and they use the parking space infront of her house to deal at. And she believes that they might kill her or her family if they find out about it. So this has basically scared her straight. Away from the underground party sceen as well as nicely estabished clubs and raves. But all of this she can deal with as long as she knows that i know that she doesnt want me to, and she knows what im doing that night.

So basically it might be the fact that she is looking for something to control, since she is not incharge of her life.... (I mean her parents are waaaaaaaack.... the reason they beat her last time, which thankfully was like 3 months ago, was because she had a friend over and didnt ask permision.... So you could just imagine her trying to ask to go to a party or sumtin...)

As for the beating thing, I am making her do something. I cant go behind her back and do sumtin like call the cops, and she wouldnt let me do that if she knew about it. But I'm forcing her to talk to someone, an adult, some one who deals with problems like this, like her priest I guess, I'm Jewish so what the hell do I know about priests, but my mom who is a social worker (who cant treat her due to the fact shes my girlfriend and all...) said that a priest is a great idea.
Also if it happens again, I'm calling the cops, when it happens.

Anywho everything seems to be semi-ok now... But i dunno what will happen in the future. I am worried that she is being like her mother and trying to control me, and ultimatly other people who will be close to her in the future, like her children. And that is reallllllly bad. But that is how it works, right? If you were beaten as a child, you're 10 times more likely to be abusive later in life.

So basically I see this as a temporary solution, and thus, any contiuned suggestions are greatly appriciated

~Nick

twistinherb

It sounds to me like this situation is a little too complicated to be able to find a quick fix on an Internet Bulletin Board.

#1. There is no excuse for her parents behavior, regardless of what happens to the realtionship between the 2 of you, if it happens again you should call and report the incident. To a teacher, another social worker where your mom works...whatever...get her some help!

#2. There are too many things going on in her life for her to be clouding it with MJ...if her parents are as out of control as you say she shouldn't even consider taking a chance smoking and getting caught, don't push that issue.

#3. It's your life, do with it what you may. This sounds callous, and I'm sorry to be so blunt...but man you are a teen! Every realtionship you have is a chance to grow and meet new people, this doesn't mean you have to give up who you are, you're not married. Use your own judgement when/if you decide to smoke without her.

Like I said above, this is a complex situation, made more difficult by a confused girl who is having problems with her home life while trying to have a normal teenage relationship with you. I'm sorry for you and for her. I don't know what to say. I wish you both the best and hope things will work themselves out. Please call and get her help if the problems at home worsen.

RIP JMorrison

Yea, just scratch smoking with her. You don't need that now, but when everything clears up and she is feeling better about things, toke up with her so she feels even better. (Only if she wants to and likes getting high)

Nickkers420

ok, yea, I'm not looking for a quick bulletin board reponse to this. The major problems I was talking about are being worked out. I just came to guys for what we all know best... uh... as a group that is, and thats weed. I appreciate the help on the other stuff, but you need not worry about that. I know it sucks, and its hard not to worry about, but its being delt with, even as I write this she has gone to her church and is talking to her priest. Any way, as for the weed, its very strange. She still wants to do it somewhat, I asked her about eating it, and she's all for it, and I'm more confused. But anyway, thanks for everything guys.

~Nick

DreamyAJ

I used to live with a guy who smoked pot, back when I was very much against recreational drugs. I wouldn't have dated him in the first place if I'd known, and I didn't find out until after he moved in. When I found out, he first said he smoked only socially. Then I discovered he smoked daily. By now we had been living together for awhile and I couldn't really just kick him out, I was emotionally attached.

My own experience with pot prior to that was that I had tried it once or twice and liked it, but felt that it wasn't for me.

I kind of understand where your g/f is coming from, because I've been there. I tried smoking with my b/f, and that was OK, but it bothered me if he smoked when we weren't together. I don't honestly understand why, but it hurt. It hurt the way I think it would hurt if I had caught him cheating on me. I don't claim that this is rational though!

Fortunately that relationship is long over, it wasn't good for either of us.

When my husband and I first started dating, I still wasn't a smoker, and he was (both cigarettes and pot). I didn't like it, but I decided life is too short to let these things come between us. He quit smoking cigarettes on his own, and he demonstrated to me that pot wasn't essential to his life. That helped me learn to tolerate his use of it, and I adopted the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" approach. Even now that I smoke medicinally on a daily basis, I think it would still bother me if he was off smoking it with other people, but I can't put my finger on what it is that causes this pain.

The only thing that occurs to me is that maybe it's paranoia; fear that he might enjoy being with other people more than with me.

The more I think about this, though, the less bothered I am... it's something to work through. I think it used to embarrass me that my husband smokes pot, and now that I'm more into it, and know that it's no more immoral than beer, it's not so bad.

kodajake22

[quote]Originally posted by Jack_Torrance
[b]there may have been some basis

Your independance cannot be taken away, it has to be given away.....Trying to change u, is not going to fix ur girls problems. Hurt her....How?.
If u stop doing "something " that u enjoy now...what will be next, she doesnt like ur friends?...Will u just keep changing, to keep her happy. Maybe by the time she is finished moulding you, she wont like the weak willed "new' you.
(how old is ur girl...old enought to move away from a mother who beats her)