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Apathy

First of all I just want to say that I have been reading these boards for almost a year now. I feel as though I know alot of you even though we have never spoken to one another. Many of you have my utmost respect. Unfortunately my first post is not a happy one. Anyway im beginning to ramble..

My family has a long history of anxiety disorders and lucky me I started to show symtoms of anxiety a few years ago. I was put on several perscription meds, they did nothing. I always thought I was only anxious. Now that more time has passed I have come to realise that not only do I have anxiety but I am becoming more and more depressed. When I was seeing a therapist I did not think I was depressed but now im realising ive been depressed for a long time.

Ive started distancing myself from my friends and family. I have a major lack of motivation. I get irritated way to easily over such minor things. I even cry for absolutly no reason..I never cry... For so long I thought I was just lazy but when I think about it I can remember being very active and cheerful only a few years ago. I think back to old memories and the feelings come back, how I used to be, then they fade and im back here..

All I do is sit in my room and dwell..I know this is one of the worst things you can do when depressed and I know many of you are probably thinking just get up and move on..it's not that easy.

Months ago I started to distance myself from my friends. I didn't even realise it. I became more introverted and quite around them. Slowly I stopped calling them. They called me more often to hang out and I had no interest in doing so...this is NOT me! I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know where im going in life, I don't see myself happy in the future, im lost..

I have no one to talk to about this. I don't feel comfortable around my friends anymore, I don't know why but it feels like I don't know them when I talk to them on the phone every now and again. I guess it's cause we don't hang out much anymore. But these are my close friends, I mean ive known them since we were little kids. Me and my dad aren't very close and I never knew my mom very well. Then again ive never been a person to really express my feelings openly.

Im rambling on again..if you notice a close friend distancing themself from you, say something, ask them if they are ok. Because chances are they won't come out and say it.

 

Herb Ninja

Welcome to Cheaptalk, or welcome to posting at cheaptalk since you have been browsing for a while. I wish I could welcome you under better terms but this is certainly not your fault.

I wasn't thinking that at all personally.

Ive experienced prolonged depression before, getting up and moving on isn't easy, its hardly even possible. What were or are your hobbies? Any sports? Anything where you interact with other people? Those things can be good, I only do it once or twice a week usually but thats enough to keep me sane and happy. Are you in school? I know that can be a depressing factor depending on what type of person you are. Do you work? If so what type of work. If you want somebody to talk to on a more personal level let me know and ill PM my e-mail to you and we can stay in contact that way. I may not be a psychologist but i'm a human, one who is willing to listen to how you feel and tell you my thoughts. I think you can find allot of help just on this website, it can be very soothing to come on here and vent your feelings and most people are friendly and helpful. Good luck recovering from your depression and going back to your good old self, one thing that keeps me going is the thought that it can always get worse, that one took me a while to learn and I still haven't fully grasped it. Do you smoke marijuana? How often? Anyway ill probably be back to talk some more, Peace, HN-

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"Truth is treason in an empire of lies." -Ron Paul

KmKToker420

I'm in the exact same situation as you.

A year or two ago I was put on prescription meds for anxiety and depression. I quit taking them about a year after due to the horrible side effects. I quit school and my mom blamed it on quiting the meds. I tried to explain to her I quit school because they are a bunch of fascists that tell you how to think, she still doesn't believe me, but she realized I'm not going to change for anybody but myself.

Anyway, I have started to realize that my friends and I are becoming distant, because they are getting into the whole "Ghetto white boy gangsta" scene. I don't have a problem with this but, it's kind of hard to be friends with people that you have nothing in common with.

My advice to you is to post on cheaptalk, because there are a bunch of people here, including myself, that would be more than happy to listen if you ever need to talk.

Friend wise, I would just find some other people that you have more in common with, people that you feel comfortable around.

The way I have been seeing it lately, there isn't really a reason to be depressed. Just find something that makes you happy and live your life the way you want to, and things will get better.

Hope I helped

__________________
"We The People Are United,
The ones you never look in the eye,
We The People, The Uninvited,
The ones that see right through your lies"-Kottonmouth Kings

Herb Ninja

I droped out of school several years ago. Read John Taylor Gattos book "Dumbing Us Down" and have your mom read it too, but if thats not your thing I have a decent alternative below. These are very good writings on how being out of school is better then being in school. Good luck opening your moms eyes. Peace, HN-

Click Here, read this article and have your mom read it too.

Apathy

Thanks for your replies guys.

To answer your questions Herb Ninja. As for playing sports, well, part of my anxiety is social anxiety so I have never been one to get into the sports scene much. It takes a while before I feel comfortable around people I don't know. When I say I used to be active I mean going out every night with friends and going to college during the day and just living a "normal" teenage life. As opposed to sitting in my room all day.

At the momment im not attending school and I have no job. I have had several jobs over the past couple of years but never really held it down, not that they were serious jobs.

I used to smoke marijuana heavily not to long ago but stopped recently. I have an addictive personality and I just don't think it's a good idea to be smoking right now.

When I speak to people face to face I have trouble opening up, that's why my therapist couldn't help me, he didn't know what I was feeling. But then again at the time I didn't know either.

 

Herb Ninja

I haven't used marijuana in over a month, your not alone. No school, no job? Thats kinda where I am, though i'm looking for a writing position is a small newspaper even if it doesn't pay a penny. Can I ask your age? Area of residence? I don't have much advice right now, go out 15 minutes a day to absorb your vitamin E or whatever one you get from sunlight, lack of that can have effects on your body and mind. As for opening up, you can start here and work your way back to your family & friends. I'm mostly introverted in real life conversations but here I obviously post allot/talk allot. Nobody will know who you are if you don't reveal too much so have no worries about opening your self up here. Just make sure you stay within the posting guidelines which you have been doing an excellent job of already. Ohk well I don't have any more advice right now so i'm outta here ill talk to ya later. Take Care, HN-

Apathy

Thanks HN. I actually went out today with my friend from way back for the first time in a while now. I guess he's working alot lately and that's part of why we don't hang out much, which is good because I was beginning to think he may not like me anymore. It sounds stupid but I worry excessivly about things that may or may not be true. Always feel like everyone is looking at me but I guess that's part of the anxiety.

20 years old living in northern CA.

Herb Ninja

Cool, hanging out with old friends can be a blast.

Maybe you don't feel like you have anything to add, or you don't really come here much, but I recommend you check out any of the forums that interest you. Go to Movies/Music and talk about that or world in crisis to debate politics. Theres plenty to do here, and if you get bored with reading and writing check out the kewl links forum, that has some good things to see if your bored. Peace, HN-

vaya

Thanks for sharing...

Depression is difficult to kick. I've dealt with it, I'm sure it's been clinically diagnosed, too.

Let me assume something? Becuase you've been visiting this site for a year, you smoke pot. Is that an unfair assumption?

And if that's true, then you might be smoking currently. Don't. Marijuana catalyzes moods, thus if you are immensely depressed, weed's gonna make you feel a lot worse. I'd take some time off of work/school/smoking/whatever else you do that could be interfering with centering your conciousness around the problem, and then fixing it.

I wish you luck, let us know how it turns out!

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atucker20

vaya...I've heard that about Marijuana (What it does to our "mood") yet when I feel any kind of emotion , no matter what it is, once I smoke i feel only one thing - better...aka happier!

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"You know you've been smoking too much pot when you start keeping all your money in baggies, because you figure that's how it's eventually going to end up anyways."-Captain Honkey