Am I Just Stoned Or… Are Religions Really Trippy?


Religion… we’ve got some ugly news for the “godless.” Religion is inescapable – there’s never been a human society without some form of worship and don’t point out communist societies, like the Soviet Union; they worship toilet paper. Of course beatniks, peace-nix and no-good-nix question why we need religion? Religion, however twisted and perverse it is; Is the cornerstone of our civilization. Without it – there would be no laws, no morality, no social structure and no guidelines for furnishing our tabernacles.

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Do you want to live in a state of valueless depravity? Like those hippie pot smokers, over in Holland. Side note: if you’re reading this and are from Holland, I meant Belgium. Religion is here for the benefit of mankind. So we can profit from its numerous gifts. Among them, the law; the Ten Commandments are the basis of our entire system of justice, without them we wouldn’t have laws. Without laws there would be chaos. Those two tablets give you everything you need to run an orderly society. Lying, stealing, murdering, adultery, idol worship and covenanting… are out. Parent honoring and Sabbath observance are in.

Religion lays out clear definitions of good and evil. It distinguishes good deeds (or solids) in biblical Hebrew, from sins. Think about it, without this guidance of a reward / punishment system; how would we know that it is actually “good” to give charity to beggars. Without the concept of right and wrong, we would have no cowboy movies, or cop shows. There’d be no good people, or bad people… just people.

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I believe it was the English philosopher “Hobbs” who describes human life as solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short. Religion allows us to ignore all that by praying. When we appeal to our deities with a slaughter ewe or a prostration… or in the case of the Hare Krishna, an airport conga line. We exert some control over our existence and are filled with hope that god may improve it. Otherwise we’d just be chanting our deepest desires into a silent indifferent void. How depressing would that be? Folks, life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a panda bear poops in the People’s Republic of China, it could cause people on the other end of the globe to watch a discovery channel special on them.

Buddhism – there’s another go figure religion? Hey! Why don’t we all sit around in our robes and stare at the rock garden and just “like… be aware?” Exactly, that’s the easiest rhetorical question I’ve ever asked. Buddhism instructs its followers to forsake all attachments to material things. I say – go for it guys. That just means more stuff for those of us with good enough sense, to “glorify our lord” with speedboats. And frankly, I’m offended by this idea of the so-called “middle way”…  the Buddhist doctrine avoiding extremes. What’s the point of a religion without extremes?

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You’re either a believer of God, who is guaranteed a seat at “God’s right hand,” in the “kingdom of heaven.” Or your an infidel, condemned to boil eternally in a lake of searing excrement. This is a holy war folks, pick a side.

Islam…what can I say (that won’t result in threats)? Islam is a great and true religion. Revealed in the Koran, which was dictated by the angel Gabriel, to the final prophet Mohammed; blessings and peace be upon him… next.

Scientology, this fast growing science fiction of a religion is attracting some smart people. At least they seem smart. They certainly know a lot about scientology, and while a lot of folks are quick to criticize scientology, for secrecy and a willingness to sue dissenters. But if you had figured out the secret of expunging engrams for the reactive mind… you’d be a bit protective of it too.

Though I may disagree with scientology on a number of points, like the notion that a galactic lord Xenu, exiled Satans to earth in space ships, shaped exactly like late 60’s era, DC-Eight airplanes, and stacked them around volcanoes. Then blew them up with hydrogen bombs, seventy-five million years ago. And that the spirits of those Satans now inhabit our bodies and prevent us from reaching our full potential. I do agree with a well-publicized disdain for psychoanalysis. Are your kidding me? $300 an hour… and all that guy wants to chat about is my mother? Beam me up L-Ron.

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Rastafarianism – any religion in the 20 twentieth-century that sees ethiopian emperor Haile Selassie as a member of the holy trinity is worth our suspicion. Then again any religion who’s name isn’t recognized by Microsoft word… can’t be that much of a threat. My main beef with these folks is that they try to make smoking grass acceptable by labeling it a…” of the sacrament.” In my book, that gets you raptured right into a federal prison camp. Reggae and weed do make for a pretty great corporate barbecue though.

Just a quick word here about all the other crazy cults. My problem with cults is that they don’t have the balls to be honest from the get go. They hide behind phrases like “self-improvement workshop,” or “human potential coach,” or “improv class.” Then they slowly sneak in the crazy stuff so that you don’t notice. If they had any guts at the very first cult meeting they’d say “you all need to wear yellow bedsheets and have sex with me twice with a day.” Then keep giving me all of your money until the next comet comes by in twelve years. Problem solved. The wacky people can still join and the people who are just “suggestible,” can still get out of there.



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  1. Haha clearly you are stoned.. But I understand where you are coming. Personally I’m a believer… Of what? I don’t know. But I believe in something I think there is a higher power and I don’t know if his name is Jesus or Allah so I rather not call him (or her) by the wrong name. Some of these “religions” or “cults” make no sense (IMO) and people are so quick to support it. Good post man. Happy toking.

  2. We are all connected JEWS and Gentiles ,yes, even Arabs. So much energy,time and money is spent trying to discredit the Gospel.WHY??? because my Brothers and Sisters there was a Man(Christ was human) who came to save us and make us his people. No one needs money to be a Christian. Islam and every other religion in my opinion are bogus religion,how can mohammed be above Christ how can anyone be above Christ??? mohammed didn’t die for our sins, he ascended to heaven , right? check it out Christ being a rich king in heaven
    came down to Earth to be a poor carpenter in one of the most turbulent times on Earth. for What?? to save our souls from damnation. stay alert my bros and sisters dnt be fooled by deceivers.
    “All of you praise me
    with your words,
    but you never really
    think about me.
    It is useless for you
    to worship me,
    when you teach rules
    made up by humans”
    happy toking

  3. Cool article. Side note, I was a bit offended about you saying the Soviet Union were communists. Soviet Union was always Socialist, Russia ever being communists is propaganda sent out by America.

  4. The self evident ignorance of the author nearly made me stop reading this article when I read this “Without it – there would be no laws, no morality, no social structure and no guidelines for furnishing our tabernacles.” That is a complete load of crap. We have laws and morality in spite of religion, not due to religion. When secular government becomes overpowered by religious views, religious laws and morals are often immoral or outright depraved, as is the case with Saudi Arabia today. Any moral human being ought to promote the separation of church and state.

    Religious people clearly don’t get all of their morals from their scripture. Rather they pick and choose their ‘morals’ from their scriptures with a moral system that exists independently of this scripture.

    Then came the hypocritical rant on ‘other crazy cults’. “My problem with cults is that they don’t have the balls to be honest from the get go.” That there is a problem not just of cults, but of ALL religions.

    The author of this article seems obviously religious, and therefore most likely believes in things just as wacky as those he considers ‘crazy’. How is he to know that he isn’t also crazy?

  5. That picture up there reminds me of scientoligy. How fake it is. Sorry if u beleve in that religon but who would pay 2,000 dollars to be in it really

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