At the Marijuana.com office, few things are closer to our hearts than Star Wars and strains. In fact, many of us sprinted from work to catch the Thursday night premiere of Rouge One: A Star Wars Story. Afterward, we each dreamt of what it would be like to invite the characters to our marijuana testing grounds for some expert pairings. We thought, debated, fought, cried, and made up — all in the name of finding which Rogue One characters would enjoy and benefit from which weed strains. We invite you to critique our findings:
Do you even rebel, bro? You do if you’re Jyn Erso, the newest recruit for the Alliance to restore peace to the galaxy. Masterfully portrayed by Felicity Jones, this insurgent turned loner-with-a-heart-of-gold turned rogue rebellion soldier leads the mission to steal the Death Star schematics and deliver them to the Rebel Fleet. She’s been called uncaring or indifferent, but her vulnerable side knows that’s untrue. At the end of the day (or galaxy), she’s just a badass female protagonist who’s unafraid to take matters into her own hands.
We think Jyn Erso’s weed strain of choice is Green Crack! She’s been called a criminal, insurgent and a lot of other names, but those are just words. Again, we’re pretty sure it all translates to “badass female protagonist who’s unafraid to take matters into her own hands,” but let’s not split hairs. This somewhat misnamed Sativa strain will provide her the energy and focus she needs to infiltrate the high-security data banks on Scarif, take out stormtroopers and save the galaxy without breaking a sweat.
Cassian Andor is one smooth criminal: an intelligence officer and fighter for the Rebel Alliance who, while he has good in his heart, isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty. While his past may be a bit shady, he’s spent most of his life fighting for the cause; after years of experience, he’s got the confidence, determination, and strategic skills to lead his team of misfits to victory.
We’re pretty confident Cassian Andor’s weed strain of choice is Blueberry! When you’ve been fighting for the rebellion as long as Cassian has, you need something to take the edge off. Luckily, this brilliant Indica does just that. With delicious berry and citrus flavors, this wondrous flower strain will keep him feeling calm while providing a sense of euphoria throughout his body and mind. The perfect remedy for when his conscious has him questioning orders while keeping an eye on K-2S0 AND Jyn.
This bad baddie leads the science side of the Empire, serving as the Director of Advanced Weapons Research and charged with protecting the building of the Death Star. If that responsibility wasn’t enough, try having Darth Vader breathing down your neck and the future of the Galactic Empire in your hands. It takes a special bad guy to come up with a something as destructive as the Death Star, but being evil can take a lot of energy.
We definitely think Orson Krennic could use some Sour Diesel in his life. No one wants to talk about how much effort it takes to be downright terrifying and horrible every waking moment. I mean, this gigantic floating space station/planet killer is not going to build itself! And with all these ambushes happening, Orson is going to need the extra fuel to swat that pesky Rebel Alliance, and this uplifting, cerebral buzzing Sativa is precisely the strain to help him out. The stress relieving abilities will work wonders as he faces off with Grand Moff Tarkin or commands an army of storm troopers.
This blind, wise-cracking Temple protector always knows what’s going on around him, thanks to his highly-attuned senses and mysterious understanding of the Force. Chirrut Îmwe, though not quite a Jedi, has gut feelings that never lead him astray, allowing him to dodge blasters, sense when things are wrong and beat the absolute crap out of stormtroopers with his staff. And, he does it all with a great sense of humor!
Without a doubt, Chirrut’s weed strain of choice is Headband! As a blind warrior monk, Chirrut has to be very in-tune with both mind and body. This Hybrid flower strain will keep his stress levels at a minimum while providing him with a slight cerebral head buzz that will keep him focused. Headband will send him into a state of relaxation that will allow him to dodge blaster beams, smack around some stormtroopers and, of course, throw in a few “The Force is with me and I am one with the Force” devotions.
A former Imperial cargo pilot, Bodhi Rook was convinced by Galen Erso that living under an evil regime is no way to live at all. Recently “woke,” he defects and risks his life to deliver a top-secret message holding the key to the Death Star’s defeat. Naturally, he’s a little jumpy, but when the going gets tough, Bodhi is a skilled and smart friend to count on in a pinch — especially when you need a getaway ship. Everyone needs a getaway ship, right?
We all agreed that Bodhi Rook’s weed strain of choice is Jack Herer! As a guy who used to pilot for the Galactic Empire, then switched to a better cause, we think he’d really appreciate this Sativa strain named after the renowned marijuana activist. Sure, he has tons of experience as a pilot, but it doesn’t hurt that this Sativa will cerebrally elevate him on those difficult and dangerous missions. He’ll feel clear-headed and focused, though nothing will stop him from also still being somewhat of an agitated pain.
K-2S0, the robotic king of sass, always has a sarcastic quip up his metal sleeve, especially every time he needs to save his friends’ skin from being blown to bits. While never at a loss for a comeback, this reprogrammed Imperial droid is willing to risk it all for his humans and the cause. Also, he’s got a mean hammer punch. That’s damn useful….
….but he’s a robot. He can’t have weed.
Gotcha! Weed is for everyone in the future.
This was a tough one. All of us here at Marijuana.com paced around the offices for a good minute thinking about supplying our robot companion. Ultimately, we all agreed that K-2So’s perfect weed strain is G13! First of all, K-2So needs to chill out — his binary is showing and it’s embarrassing. Lucky for him, this numerical Indica strain will help him get his zeros and ones in order. This strain will definitely help him take it down a notch (or switch, or level, or whatever) as he begins to destress into a state of calm relaxation. The optimal state to calculate everyone’s odds of survival in any given situation like, ya know, crashing a ship into the heart of an Imperial base station.
This article contains contributions from Shanti Ryle
All Photos Courtesy of StarWars.com