A Stoner’s Guide to Amazon Alexa

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Disclaimer: Let me preface this whole article by saying I’m aware that one could argue it paints the picture of a lifestyle filled with extreme leisure. That argument would be correct, no shame here. I enthusiastically embrace technology to benefit my level of comfort whenever possible. So, to make it easy on everyone and not come off as a total loser to you Sativa aficionados of the world, here’s a selection of motivating articles about “running” and “being active” — if you’re into that sort of thing:

Ok, everyone, they’re gone.

Settle into your favorite spot on the couch that’s within shouting distance of your in-home CIA data collection device Amazon Alexa personal assistant. Make sure it’s plugged in and you have all your smoking necessities, including snacks, within arm’s reach. I’ll wait, go ahead — yes, grab the extra can of butane, there’s an Alexa skill that recommends Netflix offerings, so we may be here for a while.

Let’s start with a movie, shall we? I just smoked some Blueberry Afghan, so while I can’t seem to use my legs, my mind is racing faster than ever. I’m looking for a movie from my childhood that will take me on a mystical adventure, maybe something with magical creatures such as giant flying talking dogs, just throwing ideas against the wall. The movie I’m thinking of revolved around a kid with a book, but I can’t seem to remember what it was called. Luckily, there’s an Alexa skill built for this precise scenario called Valossa Movie Finder. Valossa utilizes the impressively intuitive movie search engine, whatismymovie.com, to take your less-than-helpful movie description and turn it into a legitimate search result. To show you how well it works, I asked the Valossa tool to find a movie where “a kid with a book flies a talking dog and saves the girl.”

neverending-search

Once there’s an optimal break-point in the movie, it’s time to grub up. If you’re in the mood for pizza, Alexa gives you a couple of different options. If you favor crust that’s stuffed with ooey-gooey cheesy goodness, ask Alexa to order up some Pizza Hut. If you’re the kind of person who likes to follow up their pizza with some Cinna-stix, you’ll want to let Alexa know that Domino’s is the way to go. However, if you’re being frugal and would rather just make something at home, Alexa can help with that, too. One of the most common pitfalls of attempting to chef up some fire while you’re baked is forgetting you have something in the oven, only to recall how hungry you are 40 minutes later and run to the oven to find a pile of ash.

burnt-corn-dog-tater-tots

RIP corn dogs and tater tots

If you’re going out on a limb and leaving some food in the oven while you continue your movie, at least ask Alexa to set a timer.

Assuming you made a mess with whatever food you decided to devour, have Alexa fire up your robot vacuum so you don’t step on any painfully stale crumbs later.

If you’re beginning to bore of watching “classic” movies, Alexa offers many interactive games that can keep anyone, especially a stoner, entertained for hours. One particularly engaging category of skills the Alexa boasts is the Choose Your Own Adventure games, which allow the user to immerse themselves in an alternate world bursting with adventure and intrigue.

My personal favorite variable-driven stories are:

  • The Wayne Investigation allows the user to jump directly into Gotham City to try their hand at solving the senseless murder of Bruce Wayne’s parents.
  • Ask Alexa to open The Magic Door to be transported into a world of mystery, where your choices are the difference between finding hidden treasures and… well, I “won” both times I played the game, so I’m not exactly sure what the negative consequences of making the incorrect choices were.
  • If you want to play a guessing game with Alexa, ask her to join you in a session of 20 Questions. Pro tip: pick something difficult, because Alexa is probably smarter than you. One time, I tried to cheat by changing my subject halfway through Alexa’s interrogation and she still guessed it correctly with questions to spare.

After you get lost in Alexa adventures for hours, you run the risk of having your significant other burst in the door and begin grilling you about why you spent all day on the couch barking orders to a miniature robot. At this point, the significant other will most likely walk out the door in a blaze of fury.

You try to call them, but you realize you’ve lost misplaced your phone even though you didn’t move one time since this morning. Quick, ask Alexa to help find your phone by playing a loud alarm — even if it is set to silent.

Once you locate your cellular device and your loved one inevitably ignores your call, enlist Alexa’s help, as she can order from 1-800-Flowers with just a simple voice command.

When you realize the flowers aren’t necessarily the ideal solution to your relationship issues, you ask Alexa’s Magic 8-Ball if you should just send it and go look for your special someone.

Alexa says “go for it,” so you grab your keys and head outside.

dude

Don’t worry, dude, Alexa’s Automatic skill will help you find your whip — without having to get mixed up with Zoltan. Sweet.

When things don’t go your way and you need Alexa’s assistance in moving on with your life, she also offers free therapy.

About Author

Previously wrote about music, weed, and other internet tingz for Genius, Complex, XXL, Elevator, HotNewHipHop, and more. Follow @LongLiveTheDuke on Twitter for hit-or-miss life advice, Kanye retweets, and Del Taco menu hacks.