From Marijuana to You, Miley Cyrus


Last night, enigmatic superstar Miley Cyrus sat down with Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show to discuss a range of topics, including her new music and recent breakup with cannabis. Miley, a former advocate and serial enjoyer of the bountiful and life-giving plant, gave a few different reasons for departure from cannabis use.

I planned on coming in this morning and just really writing a passionately worded article to Miley about how displeased I was to hear the recent news, as marijuana (weed) has been a good friend of mine for years.

But when I came into the office I found a letter taped to the front door written by Marijuana herself — we’re very close.


Please publish my letter to Miley Cyrus. She must have a new number or something. You can rip this top part off and throw it away, no need to publish this section.

Your best friend,

Miley, Mimi, Baby,

What did I just watch last night? I thought we agreed we were going to keep things chill for a little bit just in case you wanted to start smoking again after you were done recording the album.

I know for a fact we said we weren’t going to go on late night talk shows and bash each other, you know I don’t get the same kind of television gigs as you, especially during an album cycle. I don’t have label push, Miley, I just have Doug Benson podcasts and subliminal blips on Adult Swim.

Now you’re saying I gave you nightmares about dying on stage during your Saturday Night Live monologue. Umm, okay Miley, after all we’ve been through, I think I deserve the opportunity to respond. We both know you weren’t having a single dream, yet alone some elaborate nightmare, with the amount of time we were spending together. That’s just science.

According to Dr. Samoon Ahmad, a Psychopharmacologist, Psychiatrist, and NYU researcher that specializes in how certain drugs affect the way our brain operates:

Sleep has different stages. If you do an EEG of a person, there are four stages of sleep and then there is a separate sleep called REM sleep, rapid eye movement sleep. And the dreaming happens in the rapid eye movement sleep. And it’s that portion of the sleep where you sort of go into paralysis, and if you wouldn’t go into paralysis you would be acting out your dreams, you’ll be jumping around doing things.

People who use marijuana, they tend to suppress REM sleep, they have less REM sleep. And when they have less REM sleep you’re going to have less dreams because dreams only happen during REM sleep. So, for a long time people didn’t recognize this, but once people stop smoking suddenly there’s a rebound phenomena where people can have quite vivid dreams.

Do you think it could have maybe been that peyote you sprinkled over me in that joint? You were fairly clear with Rolling Stone when you said, and I quote, “One time I smoked a joint with peyote in it, and I saw a wolf howling at the moon.” Please don’t go blaming your creepy night terrors on me, because I know I’ve been a blessing to thousands of individuals suffering from serious post-traumatic stress disorder.

Also, you should know that I spoke with Hip-Hop. You do realize that we’re close friends, right? We both feel like you used us to sell copies of Bangerz and now you’re ditching us to hang out with Country music.

Then you told Fallon, “I stopped smoking because to sit here and to talk about what I’m doing, I wanted to be really clear because I’m actually the most passionate about what I’m doing with this record … I loved making this record so, so much.”

Alright, fine. Take a break, Miley, but don’t go on The Tonight Show and bash me in front of millions of people who love us both. This isn’t easy to write, but it has to be done. This is a preemptive breakup for when you inevitably come crawling back. Please don’t call me from tour, don’t try to find your Dad’s stash of me when you visit him, and don’t throw any more me-themed parties for Liam this year.

It’s over, Miley. But if you ever need me for a medical condition, you know ill always be there for you.

Love always (because I’m weed),


About Author

Used to write about music for XXL, Elevator, Complex, Genius, and a few other outlets. Follow @LongLiveTheDuke on Twitter if you'd like to read way fewer words by me.

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