Wow, what an incredible end to another NBA season that was, with the Golden State Warriors taking the title — and best-of-3 bragging rights — from the Cleveland Cavaliers in just 5 games.
That means our 2016-17 NBA All-Stoner Team took home three rings in total, as Kevin Durant, Klay Thompson, and Matt Barnes showed no mercy against fellow Stoner Squad-member JR Smith and the Cavs. Cleveland even allegedly tried to summon the power of the plant after Game 2 once they realized it was probably giving the Oakland-based Warriors an advantage, but it was too little too late — plus, it’s the understatement of the century to say Ohio doesn’t have the same quality selection of cannabis available in Northern California.
As one season comes to a close, another one is just around the corner. Tonight is the NBA Draft, where teams have the opportunity to rebuild their lineups from the ground up and take another stab at a title of their own. We’re also going to take this chance in the offseason to make a few changes to our NBA All-Stoner Team ahead of the new campaign. While the great success we saw this season is an accomplishment, we can’t slow down now — which is why we need to make a coaching change.
With the utmost respect for Phil Jackson and what he’s won in his illustrious career, we just have to go with the hot hand. After winning two titles in three years and narrowly missing out on the Jackson-esque three-peat, Golden State Head Coach Steve Kerr is clearly the man for the job this upcoming season and the foreseeable future. It helps that Coach Kerr admitted last season that he used medical marijuana to treat his chronic back pain.
That isn’t the only change we’re making, either. We had the highest of hopes for Larry Sanders, we even devoted a coveted bench spot on the team to his comeback quest. Sanders signed with the Cavaliers toward the end of last season and the selection was looking very promising — until things went south and the team waived the 6’11” Center before the NBA Playoffs started. No, things literally went south when Sanders missed a team bus to the airport after a game in Miami. Come on, Larry, I know you saw how useless Tristan Thompson was in the Finals. It shouldacouldawoulda been minutes city for the now-former Marijuana.com NBA All-Stoner Team roll player.
Who will take the spot once occupied by Sanders, you ask?
Now that he’s more comfortable with a bench role after a disappointing season, Indiana Pacers slasher Monta Ellis is a low-risk high-reward addition to the team that will be eager to prove his worth once again. He is suspended for the first five games of next season for violating the League’s drug policy for a third time. The first two offenses don’t carry a suspension, and marijuana is the only substance that fetches a five-game ban on the third strike. We know how committed Ellis is to cannabis because his suspension is going to cost him $684,573 of his $11,227,000 salary this year. Based on a $50,532 median salary in Indiana, that kind of financial hit would be the equivalent of the average resident getting a $3,032 ticket.
The veteran scorer can be one of the more electric players to watch in the league, so if anything good comes of a useless marijuana suspension it’s that Ellis will be as hungry as ever when he touches the floor again. We’ll gladly take him on our squad. For all the gamers out there, Monta Ellis is always super overrated in NBA 2K so that’s a no-brainer upgrade to make since you guys obviously play with the Marijuana.com team at home. Yes, you can Tweet your highlight reel dunks to me. No, I will not play you online — too much sauce.
The Draft gives us an opportunity to sustain our success in the future, as we can’t just settle for winning a few rings. Now that we’ve shown we can win with a bunch of guys who (allegedly) love using cannabis, we have higher goals. We’re trying to normalize weed culture and erase the “stoner”’ stigma, people. These athletes should be allowed to choose whichever method of pain relief they see fit, not to mention unwind after a game with something far safer than what the Team Doctors are doling out these days. We’ve been scouting this new rookie class for months looking for a very particular skillset. To make it past the final trim, they’ll need top shelf skills on the court, the potential for serious starpower, and evidence that shows they won’t throw off the vibes in the smoke circle.
On name alone, we absolutely love what Indiana Forward OG Anunoby brings to the table, as well as UCLA Power Forward T.J. Leaf. With the invasive nature of social media these days and the risk of falling in the draft at the expense of millions of dollars, it makes sense why there’s not an abundance of marijuana evidence in this draft class. However, after you sprinkle in a lot more money and freedom, plus the physical tolls of an 82-game season, we should see smoke signals soon. Leaf and OG are both projected to go in the middle of the first round and show a ton of promise, plus we can’t wait to hear what hilarious anecdotes All-Stoner Team Announcer and all-around spiritual adviser and psychedelics plug Bill Walton will come up with while calling their games.
In case you were questioning whether Bill Walton was still doing Bill Walton-type things, the answer to that question is absolutely yes. If you need a solid laugh, set aside 5 minutes to do a deep internet dive for Walton gems.
We have a three point game and Bill Walton is talking about climbing trees in a third world country.
— ZehDuck (@ZehDuck) January 7, 2016
ESPNU came back from commercial into Bill Walton talking about weed mid-rant https://t.co/1OxjdVupMB
— Mark (@tole_cover) January 10, 2017
— Beaner (@BPC05) November 21, 2016
BILL WALTON pic.twitter.com/kMJiJLRLJe
— Andy Bailey (@AndrewDBailey) January 24, 2016
After the NBA Draft comes Training Camp, where we condition ourselves into game shape so we can be playing (or smoking) at midseason form in game one of the schedule. I’ve been training with some Nectarine from Nameless Genetics all week to prepare for the upcoming season. You could choose another strain, but you know what they say — “Look good, smoke that good good, play good.” To get yourself ready for the new season, take a hit anytime you hear an analyst mention the terms “high ceiling” or “wingspan” while watching the 2017 NBA Draft tonight at 7 p.m. on ESPN.
Bonus NBA Mystery Links
Cover Image Courtesy of Stephen Panosian